There are two sure fire ways to experience the sensation of living in the Matrix: pop a fistful of Marinols and watch Groundhog Day with the sound off and Stairway to Heaven playing backwards on your stereo, or visit Apple Movie Trailers.com.

At least, that’s the sensation I get when I see so many cloned movies masquerading under different titles. Observe this week’s selections:

Where in the World is Osama Bin Laden		Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
	vs.

Morgan Spurlock: the man who proved that if you eat nothing but McDonald’s people will pay ten bucks to watch you throw it up, is now going to prove that our government is hiding an incredible secret. Indiana Jones: the man who will prove the government is hiding an incredible secret and then appear in McDonald’s ads until you throw up. COINCIDENCE???

The Hammer		The Grand
	vs.

Two ads for what appears to be Cheerios: the Motion Picture? The machines have definitely tipped their hand this time!

Sex and the City		Wanted		The Incredible Hulk
	vs.		vs.

Centered text against a black background might be seen as merely lazy. But each of these posters boasts a fade effect as a substitute for artwork. That’s two levels of laziness, which points to one overworked NSA agent who can no longer conceal the LIE!! Either that or these posters are part of the Mandelbrot Set.

I will continue to explore the mystery behind these Shyamalanian messages from the stars, but you should continue about your day as if the rational world were not a gossamer curtain that could fall away at any moment.

 I have been getting mad penis spam lately. It’s just one “Subj: Help your little friend” after another this past week. I mean, I know a daily dose of this shit is now a staple of the American breakfast, like toast and coffee, but I haven’t been this bombarded for a while. I’m starting to question my wang a little too, like maybe Tiny Elvis isn’t good enough for spreading my frosting onto all the female layer cakes out there.

I might have to buy some of their product after the president of Nigeria finishes that money transfer he’s been promising.

Remember those 80s-era ads of marathon runners, astronauts, Green Berets, etc. getting the winning edge from a Snickers bar? Here’s the next generation of clinically unsubstantiated miracle candy:

From the website: “Get charged, stay energized. It’s the peanuts, nougat, caramel and chocolate you love with an added kick to help get you through the day.” (the “added kick” happens to be the active ingredient in ox bile.)

A Snickers crossed with a Red Bull, then. Moloko Plus can’t be far off now. Of course, this isn’t the first experiment in candy “supplements” that has ever been attempted. Snickers Charged isn’t likely to fair better than other recent attempts, either: