BEEPO

This struggling everyclown is the kind of sexual dead end that any good strip needs to reflect the audience’s self image. Try as you might to identify with Slamwich or the Boogie Bunneez, deep down you know that this insecure chronic masturbator is you. Comes with booze-on-breath action and undetachable cigarette.

ROADKILL

Getting away with deeds that would make Hitler look like a lush in a lampshade, Roadkill is the unrestrained Id of Deep Fried. Whether he is shooting smack into his tongue or tossing hand grenades into a Fuddruckers, Roadkill is who you would love to be if you weren’t such a goddamn Beepo.

SQUINTS

Chemicals, conspiracy theories and KISS have placed Squints in a universe all his own. Has he truly slipped the shackles of the Matrix or is that red pill he’s trying to sell you just a Mike and Ike?

CHAD ‘n CHAD

“Blonde” Chad and “dark” Chad are a pair of naturally occurring clones who portray the voice of the common asshole. Able to assume any role or profession, they are often seen as anchormen on the television program Newsbeat.

THE BOOGIE BUNNEEZ

Sometimes making trenchant political observations, and sometimes frolicking through an adorable land of childlike whimsy, the only consistant thing about Yogurt and Sherbert is that they must DANCE OR DIE!!

PHILIP MCDISNEY

The official mascot of corporate America, Philip McDisney has devoted himself to the causes of market penetration, brand saturation and muscular democracy. Previous career achievements include Crystal Pepsi and convincing Jefferson Starship that “Jefferson” sounded a little…ethnic.

RAGS the WORLD TRADE CENTER FLAG

A common sight at memorials, bowl games, opening ceremonies and the like, Rags ensures that our nation will never forget 9/11. Never ever ever! Rags knows that 9/11 changed everything, that freedom isn’t free, and that we must roll! Have YOU rolled today?

PRESIDENT HUMUNGUS

The Overlord-in-Chief of Unmerica, America’s television reality, President Humungus rules with a velvet fist. He knows that oceans no longer protect us, and has begun training a crack squad of coniferous forests for, as he calls it, “a kind new war.”

SARGE AND FAZOOL

Sarge and Fazool both lost their arms in the Iraq War. Big-hearted Sarge adopted Fazool and brought him to the US, where Fazool was only a little disappointed to learn that the right to bare arms would not apply to him.

SLAMWICH!

The Meal of Steel! The Lunch with Punch! This knuckle sandwich came to life in Shamus McGoldberg’s kosher Irish deli and immediately took to fighting crimes, such as sitting too close to the TV and using words like “irregardless”. Approach with caution. Comes with slaw.

NANA

Whether she’s being kicked, shot, punched, mutated or crushed, nothing dampens this sunny nonagenarian’s spirits. Will the same be true when she’s being flayed alive while killer bees are pumped into her lungs? Stay tuned!