What’s wrong with my life that I have time to watch more than 16 seconds of the Southern Republican Leadership Conference? What man with a functioning sex organ would pass his weekend wrestling with C-Span’s stuttering video stream so he could catch every word of Mike Pence’s call for “fast-acting tax relief” for the wealthy? I knew the Republican’s were trying to reinvent their brand, but I had no idea their new brand would be Rolaids.

That might be  appropriate, however, considering how in love the Republicans are with bromides. So many hosannahs offered up to God, the Declaration of Independence and our can-do spirit, and not a single fucking idea about how to paddle the nation away from an onrushing waterfall.  The conference was a Willy Wonka factory of catch phrases, buzz words and felatio for Israel, all totaling to one crystal clear agenda for the nation that will adrenalize Republicans straight through to November: We Want Our Power Back!


Ron Paul: Strawman

All the Republican’s best gimmicks were in attendance at the 3 day New Orleans event; Bobby “The Mummy” Jindal, both black Republicans and, of course, Her Nibs. Everyone had a cock up the other’s ass as they delivered one retread of the Party’s favorite talking points after another. It was almost as if they were in competition to see who could deliver the weakest teleprompter joke before “Who Dat”-ing their way into the short term memories of the residents of that city which, under the vigilant gazeof our last president, became ground zero for a Roland Emmerich movie.

Many were the hollow pledges to repeal healthcare reform, and bountiful were the efforts to turn that “Party of No” albatross into a Republican badge of honor for sticking to their guns. Newt Gingrich promised a campaign of “2+2=4” signage,  hoping that this subversive anti-communist  tactic from Poland will resonate with Americans who are terrified at the prospect that Obama will attempt to try KSM in their living rooms.

But God and the Teabaggers were the real guests of honor. The Republicans could scarcely decide which deserved more ram’s blood. The Deity was all but promised a ziggurat-sized throne of ivory and gold when the Republicans retake the nation, and why not? The Right has become completely unmoored since they realized there will be no money for them to play with the next time they have the White House, and considering the Faustian bargain they have made with lunatics they would usually not toss a rhetorical farthing to, we can expect that conservatives will be doubling down on religion and nationalism to justify their existence in the years to come.

Rather than try to bridge the gulf between themselves and the Democrats, the Republicans declared their strategy loud and proud: the partisanship will grow and grow and fucking swallow the sun by November!! The Republican agenda is now exactly the inverse of Ronald Reagan’s, and that is why they worship at his altar. He is the last relic of an age before the great Thousand Year Winter  swallowed their cause and scattered their tribe. The Republicans have no Cold War to win, no Greatest Generation to build an American Dream for, not a cent for another adventure overseas. Their rhetoric is an appeal to patriotism for patriotism’s sake, but to what end? Liz Cheney’s new McCarthyism? Newt Gingrich’s gay baiting? Are these the pillars of a Renaissance?

RNC Chairman Michael Steele came out swinging hard in his speech, but he swung at a lot of air. How does he reconcile his “Coming to America” melting pot grandeur with the conservatives’ xenophobic stance against immigration? When he tried boosting the crowd’s capitalist spirits by saying “America’s enemies have never been the wealthy or the strong”, was he admitting that her enemies are the poor and weak? Finally, some honesty from the GOP!

And then, like some Heavy Metal centurion, Ron Paul rocked the house! You’ve got to hand it to this guy: he draws more genuine love and enthusiasm from young Republicans than Sarah Palin could if she whored Bristol out for nickel blowjobs. Paul offered not a peck on the cheek for the theocrats and plutocrats who preceded him. He alone called bullshit on rumors of Obama’s socialism, denounced American empire and called  for an end to the war, and was applauded for every word. And just to squeeze the Party’s teabags a little, he went and won the conference strawpoll for #1 conservative!

Well, not exactly. Mitt Romney edged Paul out by a single vote. Romney’s strategy was a stroke of genius: he didn’t show up. But he did  allegedly spread a lot of influence around in the form of tchotchkes and the like. Should give you an idea about how he’ll run for president.

Ron doesn’t have dough. He shows up, and crowds cheer. Kids cheer. The Republicans will be the last people to understand what this means.