Posts Tagged Superman
I have been journeying across Our Homeland spreading the gospel of Weapon Brown to those who deny that Chuck is the One True Blockhead. Here are some snaps from my most recent tent revivals!
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Chicago! Here I am, ready to sell in The City with Big Shoulders! (Soon I will realize I am also in the The City with No Money!) |
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All I did was ask this buxom Velma if she liked it Scooby style! Yeesh! I thought geek girls were supposed to be all about empowerment and shit… |
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Sorry, young one. You cannot transform your way out of a bullying problem at school. |
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Never piss off a muffin bender! |
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Does anyone remember Atreyu from The Neverending Story? Neither did this young man! But I forced him to wear my spare Atreyu costume anyway! Parents, keep an eye on your kids at these shows! |
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Look, everyone! It’s Delayed Allergic Reaction to Silver Body Paint Man! |
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Finally! An honest goddamn costume! |
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IÂ think I’ve made a joke before about wanting to “hit it” in relation to another costumed Hit Girl, so this photo gets no caption. |
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Two Dudes, One Carton. |
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Cool! A guy in a Heisenberg costume! Hey, I’ve got a great knock-knock joke for you… |
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Oh shit! I forgot…HE’S the one who knocks!! |
Thank God I escaped that town with a minimum of bruises and bed bugs. Next, it was on to Baltimore, where I also found that people who spend all their money on costumes often do not have enough to spare to support FIVE YEARS OF MY LIFE’S WORK!!
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Baltimore! If this city is anything like the way The Wire portrays it, I am in for some smooth sailing! |
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This man was genuinely unimpressed with my notes on how I would have shot Man of Steel. |
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This is Machine Man, a D-list Marvel character who I told should probably not expect a Guardians of the Galaxy treatment. His logic circuits did not take the news well. |
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Threaten me all you want, but your Red Skull costume has genuine flaws!! |
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A sketch for a Beepo and Roadkill fan! (There are six in all existence!) |
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A commission for a man’s Archie sketchbook. He requested “no filth”, but I still hid six shlongs in the drawing. See if you can find them! |
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Look, I just saw a much better Thor costume. Why don’t you ask that guy for some tips? …OOOOF! |
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Cutest Couple Award! Unfortunately they refused their prize, which was six months of me living in their basement. |
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These guys didn’t like my opinion of their Bette Midler and Mickey Rourke costumes. |
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Cutest Trio Award! Yet once again, I still don’t have a place to crash for the next few months. Please e-mail me if you have a tool shed you aren’t using! |
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Keep your parakeets on a leash, people! |
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Comicons:Â Family fun that Disney just can’t beat! |
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You’d like to read Deep Fried? Well… bear in mind, it’s a little dark. |
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Yep, that’s what I was afraid of. Sorry, Universe! |
And that’s all I can stands, I can’t stands no more! If your town has a show you’d like me to attend, just send me the details (along with how many weeks you can let me surf your couch!)
As you all know and have been discussing on Twitter, Facespace and other socialist media, I recently received a crushing injury to my right hand’s index finger that nearly made me say “ouch”. Well, no sooner have I gotten my digit back to 95% optimal condition than I have have been sabotaged by my body yet again! This time it is the ring finger on my left hand that has turned puss! After barely tapping it on the edge of my bathtub, it appears that the ligament has ruptured, leaving my finger tip droopy and refusing to obey the orders my brain is giving it to straighten its life out!!
Hopefully the doctor I am seeing tomorrow will give me a splint that will cure all my ills. If, however, she finds out that I am a John Carpenter’s Thing that has forgotten it’s true nature, and that my body is simply trying to split off into separate organisms to, well, y’know… absorb you all? I will do my best to complete the Weapon Brown graphic novel double quick. I’d really like to get it on the market before we all join together as one pulsing mass. On the other hand, I haven’t been part of a pulsing mass of flesh in so long I kinda hope I am an imitation.
I have completed the animated Weapon Brown commercial, FYI, and even though you are still a couple months away from witnessing its glory, let me tell you: it is a glory to witness! Rarely has any project of mine come so close to being exactly what I imagined. I am even contemplating upping my standards to accommodate this new level of excellence.
My work on the commercial even eclipses Hollywood’s best offerings so far during shlockbuster season. And though I haven’t seen some of the films currently dominating house after house at your local megoplex, that still isn’t reason enough to prevent me from reviewing them! Therefor, it is time for…
MAN of STEEL aka Superman: The Fast and the Serious, aka SuperChrist
Have I Seen It: No
Who Saw It: A couple of my friends
The Plot: After planet Krypton is destroyed during its own Great Recession, Superman is sent to earth to become Superman. And even though everyone who has been out of the womb for more than 30 seconds knows Superman’s origin, here it is again! Also, he fights General Zod… again! This brings the total number of villains that Superman has fought in six modern movies and three incarnations up to…two.
The Verdict: This movie has two moods: mopey and ADHD, with unmemorable dialogue and acting.Â
WORLD WAR Z aka Faster, Zombie! Brains! Brains!
Have I Seen It: Yes
The Plot: After enjoying a cozy breakfast with his wife and small daughters, the world literally ends everywhere simultaneously while Brad Pitt is stuck in traffic. The cause? Zombies that were apparently bitten by radioactive cheetahs.
The Verdict: Although the infected move like they’ve got the Rage, we later learn that these zombies are indeed dead, and not just people suffering from super rabies. This is just one of the many half-explained elements of movie that sacrifices suspense for adrenaline.The horror that suffuses any good zombie flick is almost non-existent here. This movie assumes you’ve seen all that before and just want to get to zombie swarms crawling over each other. The problem is that we never get a feel for the zombies as baddies. You often can’t even tell the fast-moving corpses from their fleeing victims. It’s a creative new take on the classic flesh-eaters that is too much of a good thing, and then–surprisingly–not enough, since the best scenes are in the trailer.
Star Trek: Into Darkness aka Star Trek -based Movie Product
Have I Seen It: Yes
The Plot:Â The same as the last one, plus The Wrath of Khan.
The Verdict: J.J. Abrams is uninterested in adding anything new to the Star Trek canon, but is happy to shovel in everything you may have seen in Star Trek before (even old Leonard Nimoy as Spock for a cameo to justify that car commercial you should have seen by now.) The presence of the classic characters we all love is simply a nostalgic gloss for glittering action schlock, and as with the last two Star Trek feature films, a gigantic black boss ship makes an appearance. For fans of action and CGI, it’s got plenty of what you want, but where can’t you get that these days? The movies is truly an exciting special effects tour de force at times, but so is your average Mop-and Glo-advert. For fans of Star Trek its a high-speed yawn. On the upside, the new warp core looks pretty nifty. Do you want to pay ten bucks to see it?
It’s happening again!! I thought the Mayan Apocalypse had ended the aeon and that the signs from Hollywood would cease their flow. But behold! They are as abundant as ever! Please, if you value your sanity, stay as far away from the iTunes Movie Trailers website as possible! For there you will find cryptic coincidences of such frequency that they would send Cthulu himself running to his psychotherapist!
I wil interpret these prophecies for you as I always have. My mind can handle it, for the star memes have long ago transformed my gray matter into translucent Play-Doh. Strap your egos in tight, and I hope your souls have passenger-side airbags!
Star Trek: Into Darkness
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Oblivion
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Two lonely men stand with their backs to the viewer, gazing upon scenes of devestation. One portends “darkness”, the other “oblivion”. Do I have to spell this out for you? Do you really not know how to spell the sentence “WE ARE WELL AND TRULY FUCKED?!?” Perhaps not, if you were educated in today’s crumbling public schools. AH HA! I have inadvertently cracked the final metaphor!
John Dies At The End
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Warm Bodies |
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What kind of mind game is this?? Of course we all die in the end, but who is this “John” whose corpse the world is reheating? Is he Christ returned?? Surely Hollywood would not encourage these hopes, unless they could make a buck off of it. But how can one make money off of God?? The absurdities are compounding upon themselves!
Man of Steel
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Pacific Rim
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G.I. Joe Retaliation
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Now the mad pattern becomes clear! Do not assume it is the coincidence of a man-of-steel alongside a steel man. The final puzzle piece comes courtesy of Dwayne Douglas Johnson. Chests! Broad, mighty chests! Pectorals you could crush diamonds upon! Look for The One to arrive bearing a torso of the gods! All you people who forgot to go gay before December 21st will find your stock in women’s boobies falling fast.
Buffalo Girls
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The Lone Ranger
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Eyes of truth, staring at you in judgement! Eyes of truth that know what it is you’ve been looking for on /b/! I repent! I REPENT!!!!
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Some of you… the cynics… may yet not believe what I have revealed to you through Apple’s unmistakeable repeating avatars. But now I break the final seal. Watch the video below. Watch.
‘So what?” you say. “It’s only the trailer for the pessimistic third installment of the Iron Man franchise. Perhaps it is foolishly  trying to channel Christopher Nolan’s Dark Knight, but that doesn’t make it a message from the stars.”
Don’t you understand? The AUDIO! The audio isn’t from the Iron Man trailer! It’s the audio from the trailer for Star Trek: Into Darkness! They synch up perfectly!!
That warm feeling spreading in you lap is delusion leaving you through your urethra. When you are ready to take that final leap into the unknown, find me through the clues I will deposit in the Sunday Times crossword puzzle. And bring with you as many precious gemstones that the sale of your car will get you. You don’t want to know what the Terrorstorm has in store for non-mineral currency in 2013.