For no other reason than I had a bag of kind bud that needed burning, my friends and I recently watched Jupiter Ascending, a movie that must have been bankrolled by the guys at RiffTrax. I mean…
This movie was a veritable Brundlefly of other Hollywood mistakes: Twilight fused with John Carter, Battlefield Earth, Thor… plus an additional chromosome 21 from The Phantom Menace. Are the Wachowskis punishing themselves for something? Are they so embarrassed by their high-concept flops like Cloud Atlas that they feel the need to emo it out on screen with this pandering piece of shit?
This isn’t simply a bad movie. This was calculated crap, a legacy committing suicide right before your eyes.
If you thought there couldn’t be a more nothing heroine than Bella Swan, say “hello” to Jupiter Jones, a woman who literally wins the genetic lottery when she turns out to be the reincarnation of the queen of a space corporation. Suddenly Jupiter is thrust into outer space on the rocket boots of a space werewolf, and she spends the rest of the movie being moved around like a chess piece by a trio of evil space-capitalists who feed her expository dialogue while she just stands there. It’s all just so Jupiter will enter her royal pin-number onto an iPad so that one or the other baddies can own the earth and turn all life into Oil of Olay.
Oh, did I mention the rocket boots? This movie has rocket boots. Hope you like rocket boots!
(The space werewolf also used to be a space angel-werewolf, until his wings were cut off, which he now regrets. I think Lana Wachowski may have written that character.)
Stream it and weep!
Three-pee-em. Ooze out of bed. Wake-up bonus: more hot water comes out of my showerhead today than has in two years.
Dress. Today my “Vertigo” T-shirt, a Christmas present from Mad magazine, will be my chest’s message to the world. Purchase a cylinder of coffee from 7-11 and I’m off to the races.
(First watch a viral video of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles that I’ve already seen a dozen times and I’m off to the races.)
I am a cartoonist.
I have no excuse for this lethargy. I am usually dull eyed and slack tailed by twelve noon, tops. I have just raised a bushel of dollars for my next project through Kickbubble. I should be over the moon and revved up to complete the project which hundreds of avatars have expressed an average of $49.00 of interest in. The world should be my oyster.
Fukkit if sleeping in times three is how I eat my worldoyster. Is more sleep not the ambition of every workingman who has ever had to get the kids dressed and out the door so they could race to punch a time clock? Is more snuggle time with the pillow not the brass ring of all retirees? Sorry if I cracked the code in middle school.
I often often feel this country needs a revolution, but how can a revolution take hold before people like myself have finished our job of dissolving America from the inside? Every extra hour that I sleep-in reduces our national potency by that many joules of work output. The proles will probably build a statue to me! (Well, they’ll engrave my name on a plaque that will hang in the Dome of the People. That will be the equivalent of being carved onto Mt. Rushmore in the classless society of tomorrow).
Down to a quarter tank of coffee. Gotta get moving. Gotta finish this paragraph. This paragraph is what is delaying me from starting my workday. Gotta draw. Gotta customize a man’s Star Trek poster. Gotta illustrate a cat plotting revenge, a revenge so over-the-top that I will need my passport and plane tickets at the ready when it hits the stands. The revolution needs cats like that.
Sound the trumpets! The Peekstarter met its goal and once again God’s desire to thwart my career has been shoved right back up his cosmic poophole! THE PEOPLE ARE RUNNING THE UNIVERSE NOW, YAHWEH!
Anyway, I’d like to thank everyone who visits Whatisdeepfried.com for all your support and for spreading the word. Peek is really going to be a great looking book and the content is going to melt the skin right off your fucking faces you Middle Class slugs!!
(Wow! Success makes me aggressive! Here is a sweeter expression of my appreciation…)
I’d like to offer a big “thank you” to every visitor to Whatisdeepfried.com who has helped make the Kickstarter campaign for Peek! a success! The funding goal of $8000.00 has been met, and with still a week to go, there are stretch goals that may yet be reached!
It’s always perilous running these campaigns. It takes a lot of sweat, brews up a lot of stomach acid, and in the end, you are basically shaking your tin cup in front of the same handful of people for 30 straight days. I’m not surprised if it gets annoying to some, especially those who want to know why they ain’t gettin’ the Deep Fried updates that they come here for in the first place!
Nevertheless, you guys have come through for me! You’ve also done yourselves a favor as well, because Peek! is going to look awesome and be packed with the sort of rude shit you know only I can provide! I am grateful always to know that there are people out there who want that.
Next week, as the campaign draws to its close on Friday, I will be posting some more cartoons from Peek! (M,W,F). I will also be submitting these as links on Reddit, and I hope when I post those links you will help me get some attention by going to Reddit and upvoting them. This will hopefully drive more traffic to my campaign (plus, will you get to read some of those funny, awful cartoons that this effort is all about).
And after next week, once I have slept off my absinthe hangover and have kicked all the hookers to the curb, Deep Fried will be back in business with new cartoons on June 8th. See you then!
|Peeking is believing!|
Rejoice! Rejoice! You have no choice!! The Peek! Kickstarter has begun!
“What the ever-loving monkeyhell is ‘Peek!‘” you ask, using your most colorful language? It is the new comic book series I am trying to get off the ground that will feature all sorts of new, awful humor, starting with the brand new Clarissa story I have been promising for eternity3!
Unbeknownst to you, I made the decision last year that the Deep Fried comic book will focus exclusively on the Beepo and Roadkill stories. This means that I need a new place to put my assorted humor, and Peek! will be that place–a homeland for cast-off comedy!
My plan is to publish Peek! annually, and bring in other cartoonists to collaborate with as well. But that can’t happen until the first issue squeezes through Kickstarter’s birth canal, getting it’s humor slime all over you! Please support this Kickstarter, and if it is not asking too much, TELL EVERYONE YOU KNOW ABOUT IT 826 TIMES A DAY!!!