Deep Fried-The home of Weapon Brown, Clarissa and Beepo
Weapon Brown 339
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Tuesday — September 2nd, 2014

Weapon Brown 339

 
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Road Warrior

I have been journeying across Our Homeland spreading the gospel of Weapon Brown to those who deny that Chuck is the One True Blockhead. Here are some snaps from my most recent tent revivals!

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Chicago! Here I am, ready to sell in The City with Big Shoulders! (Soon I will realize I am also in the The City with No Money!)

All I did was ask this buxom Velma if she liked it Scooby style! Yeesh! I thought geek girls were supposed to be all about empowerment and shit…

Sorry, young one. You cannot transform your way out of a bullying problem at school.

Never piss off a muffin bender!

Does anyone remember Atreyu from The Neverending Story? Neither did this young man! But I forced him to wear my spare Atreyu costume anyway! Parents, keep an eye on your kids at these shows!

Look, everyone! It’s Delayed Allergic Reaction to Silver Body Paint Man!

Finally! An honest goddamn costume!

I think I’ve made a joke before about wanting to “hit it” in relation to another costumed Hit Girl, so this photo gets no caption.

Two Dudes, One Carton.

Cool! A guy in a Heisenberg costume! Hey, I’ve got a great knock-knock joke for you…

Oh shit! I forgot…HE’S the one who knocks!!

Thank God I escaped that town with a minimum of bruises and bed bugs. Next, it was on to Baltimore, where I also found that people who spend all their money on costumes often do not have enough to spare to support FIVE YEARS OF MY LIFE’S WORK!!

 

Baltimore! If this city is anything like the way The Wire portrays it, I am in for some smooth sailing!

This man was genuinely unimpressed with my notes on how I would have shot Man of Steel.

This is Machine Man, a D-list Marvel character who I told should probably not expect a Guardians of the Galaxy treatment. His logic circuits did not take the news well.

Threaten me all you want, but your Red Skull costume has genuine flaws!!

I shiteth thee not: that hammer must have weighed twenty pounds, and this guy carried it on his belt as easily as an iPod! Nevertheless, I still felt that in high school he probably got his ass beat a lot.

A sketch for a Beepo and Roadkill fan! (There are six in all existence!)

A commission for a man’s Archie sketchbook. He requested “no filth”, but I still hid six shlongs in the drawing. See if you can find them!

Look, I just saw a much better Thor costume. Why don’t you ask that guy for some tips? …OOOOF! 

Cutest Couple Award! Unfortunately they refused their prize, which was six months of me living in their basement.

These guys didn’t like my opinion of their Bette Midler and Mickey Rourke costumes.

Cutest Trio Award! Yet once again, I still don’t have a place to crash for the next few months. Please e-mail me if you have a tool shed you aren’t using!

Keep your parakeets on a leash, people!

Comicons: Family fun that Disney just can’t beat!

You’d like to read Deep Fried? Well… bear in mind, it’s a little dark.

Yep, that’s what I was afraid of. Sorry, Universe!

 

And that’s all I can stands, I can’t stands no more! If your town has a show you’d like me to attend, just send me the details (along with how many weeks you can let me surf your couch!)

Forbidden Fruitcake

My signing at Forbidden Planet this past Wednesday was a thrill! Have you ever lugged 100lbs of future landfill around one of the most crowded cities on earth, occasionally dropping it down a flight of subway stairs? Thriiillllliiinnnng. Here are the highlights!

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Forbidden Planet! Within this treasury of glories are wonders that would make any Mr. Magorium close up shop and move back in with his mother! 

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And here’s your hero, thumbs all a-uppin’, completely oblivious to the fact that soon he will be trying in vain to sell his book to people who have already decided to spend their disposable income on the original French graphic novel of Snow Piercer. (How the fuck was I supposed to know that was my competition?? I loved that movie!)

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This man asked me to sign his book “To My Biggest Fan”. He also had me sign it on his penis, which was awkward because he already had Rob Liefeld’s signature tattooed there, and Rob really hogged the shaft.

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Lobot is one of my biggest fans, but he better slim down if he wants to land a cameo in Episode VII.

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This fellow hailed from China, and he kept politely asking me when I planned to “pay him back”. I said I didn’t know what he was talking about, and he gave me an address–

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–which led to this giant computer that is apparently trying to calculate pi to its last digit. Sorry, chum! I guess some jokes just don’t translate!

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This is Marcus, who was the inspiration for Hughie (really!) When I told him I had no plans for a Hughie tee he got a little upset at my throat.

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It’s not just the comic market: whole families hate Weapon Brown!

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I thought Mark here was Hulking out, trying to tear up my phonebook-sized tome! Actually, he was stroking out! (Sorry I didn’t call the paramedics faster, Mark! You look good with half your face paralyzed, though…)

Thanks to Jeff, Drew, Alec and the rest of the crew at FP for making my day a joy. As for the millions of New Yowkas who didn’t turn out to see me? Die of Ebola, bitches.

My Awesome: You Want It

Robot 6, the mighty Jaeger defending America’s East Coast, is also a comic book critic with much love for Weapon Brown! Read his review of my mighty graphic novel at Comic Book Resources.

And the megastorm of Weapon Brown coverage continues! Here’s another review from Doug Glassman at Collected Editions. (For those of you looking for a favorable review, Doug does accept bribes in the form of “likes” for his Facebook photo of his nephew dumping ravioli on his head. Adorable!)

Know someone who should be reviewing Weapon Brown? Send me their link!

 

How many different ways must I tell you?

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All Geek to Me!

Much love to The Geekiary for an interview they just did with me! Read it here before the fact checking begins and they find out that that Charlie Brown was actually invented by a guy named Jorge Schlotz!

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And look! I might not be big in Japan, but I’m huge in Albany!

Your Own Private Idaho

So by now, unless you have been living under a rainwater-filled tire with a guy named Three-toed Benny (he’s a nice guy as long as you don’t touch his poncho), you have heard of the national practical joke that is the Potato Salad Kickstarter.

Started by some guy as a lark to raise $10.00 with which to make a potato salad, a spotlight cast on the project by Cnet.com turned this novelty fundraising campaign into the biggest “fuck you” ever conceived pf to those trying to raise money through other crowdfunding platforms to buy a second hand artificial leg. In just nine days the campaign has raised over $47,000, with three weeks left to go.

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Could Americans suffering trough a depression really have this much disposable income to squander on a modern day  “man-eating chicken” con? Is the money perhaps flowing from the idle rich, a cynical protest against increasing the minimum wage, perhaps?

Let’s not raise a guillotine on the National Mall just yet. The bulk of the money gathered by Potato Salad appears to be coming from people pledging $3.00 or less for the thrill of having their names spoken aloud in a video while a guy named Zack Danger Brown folds mayonnaise into a bowl of potatoes. Ccome to think of it…  oil up the guillotine anyway!)

More galling still is the proliferation of imitators hoping to cash in on this gimmick with potato salad schemes of their own. In the past few days, moocher campaigns begun by schmucks hoping to score a year’s income merely by asking for ten dollars to buy produce have sprouted like antlers from a month-old potato. One wishes that evolution had coded for a form of instant, fast-growing stomach cancer that would emerge immediately inside people who try to parasitize a complete fluke in this way.

Here are a few of the campaigns launched by America’s glue-sniffing population, most of whom also share dreams of being the twentieth caller to “The Storm” 105.5′s Bruno Mars ticket giveaway:

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And this is but a sliver of what are probably hundreds of such campaigns, each elbowing each other for the right to be the last to get the joke.

These campaigns all promise a better variety of potato salad, or a superior type of salad (“LONG LIVE EGG SALAD!” Travis Kelly Spurn writes beneath the stolen photo of a scrumptious sandwich illustrating his unfunded campaign). Still other drives promise a different class of comestible altogether.

So I decided I wanted to make ice cream for the first time,” reads the introduction to a Kickstarter by a man named “J” (all these cling-on campaigns imitate the ambivalence of the original, just in case it is ironic detachment and not potato salad itself which hold the keys to the kingdom). J is begging for $100.00 to be dropped in his tin cup over the next 56 days. Better be careful with your credit cards, hipsters ! J’s arm probably has enough track marks to be mistaken for a Seurat. 

In 56 days, if Jay isn’t sitting in County for a parole violation, he will probably have forgotten he began a campaign in the first place. The cancellation notice from Kickstarter will go straight to his spam folder. This begs the question: why has Kickstarter permitted these frivolous campaigns at all? Kickstarter, if you’ll remember, was intended to help inventors, film makers and handsome cartoonists scrape up the capital for actual, market-worthy projects. Lately, however, it has become the playground for already monied parties to soak up pity-cash from the public (the admittedly cheeky Bee and Puppycat campaign comes to mind), and now this: a completely unfettered policy of any-crap-goes.

Kickstarter is still a crowd funding platform and not a Kevin Smith movie, right?

UPDATE: The final tally: $55,492! (The egg salad Kickstarter has raised $20.00 to date, exceeding its goal by 18%.)

Video of the Day!

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The Scarlet Button

So we’ve all seen it now, the Daily Outrage, a woman in a parking lot acting like a genuine asshole to a man whose asshole pedigree is at least uncertain. What is certain is that if you want to see a white woman shout the word “nigger” as often as has been shouted by anyone on screen since Django Unchained, there’s a video with your name on it. Here it is, if you simply must.

To me, the racial politics involved, which are ostensibly the reason for the public’s fascination with this video (it already has over five million YouTube views in less than three days), are less interesting than the angle of  this video as public shaming. The Internet mob has reveled in their ability to throw virtual cabbages at this woman in the name of self-righteousness. Below are just a sprinkling of the comments this video has engendered. As you will see, they will issue a high horse to just about anyone these days:

At first I was pissed than I watched the video and realized the man was dealing with a Trailer Trash crazy woman.  

 

This frazzled, squirrelly-looking, “bipolar” Italian B*tch needs to be committed.

 

This lady is absolutely crazy and probably not fit to nuture [sic] her children.

 

There is a special place in hell for cunts like her

 

What a piece of garbage! She is the real ni** er!!!!

 

I hope this video goes vial [sic] enough for whatever New York’s version of child protective services gets involved.

 

Did she say how many cops she’s stripped for?What happened to this small-minded stripper afterwards?

 

I would have fucked that bitch up. Even though im not black … man thats too far. Bitches need to learn(…)

 
Oh, and let us not forget…

… pardon my language but she is a absolute f*cking b*tch, crack wh*re, stupid c*nt pig f*cker.

(At least he had the decency to use asterisks. Now he won’t have to confess this on Sunday!)

So, congratulations, IAMOYAB (the aggrieved party’s name on YouTube)! You have avenged your wounded dignity at the cost of all womankind.

Am I saying that this harridan’s Michael Richards-worthy tirade is at all legitimate? Of course not. Even if it were merely a cheap, cheap attack instead of a regurgitation of her inner Klansmen, it would still be apalling. The question is, did we need to know about it? “Racism is alive and well” the video’s maker comments in his voiceover. Well… not so alive and well that you didn’t know you could post a video like this and win instant sympathy from half the world, much of it couched in the language of misogyny. 

Should he have not posted the video? Shit, I can hardly pretend not to have chuckled at similarly embarrassing clips. Maybe I feel a bit closer to the reality of it all since this outburst was recorded in Cheektowaga, NY (my neck of the woods), or perhaps it is empathy after the woman dug her hole deeper still when she engaged in a mortifying call-in to a local radio station to share her side of the story (“I have a black cousin!” she reported). 

racist_rantReally though, I am bothered by what this video is not, which is just deserts. The man in the car, insulted as he was, has multiplied the unpleasantness a thousand-fold by putting out the video unedited (except for the action he himself may or may have not committed that set the woman off), blasting the offender’s identity to the world at large. This is, of course, what any pissed-off person would do if he had a forum and no internal editor. Thanks to the Internet Aeon, where everyone is their own magazine, radio program and late-night talk show, he was able to wreck the havoc he thought his slanderer deserved. But if this video had to be shown, then at least he should have pixelated the woman’s face, allowing her words to damn her while sparing her family (if no one else). And if he didn’t have the skill to pull that off, then just maybe he should have resisted the urge to pin YouTube’s scarlet play button to her chest for all time.

Am I being too lenient on Eva Braun? My own sister-in-law recently insisted I pull a photograph of her off my website. The picture? Her at her post-maternity best, in a hospital bed holding her newborn son. She works in corporate America, and this image is somehow undignified. Fine, the picture is gone–but a fix will not be so easy for today’s potential Daily Show nugget. Who knows what this woman’s rant–AND HITTING BELOW THE BELT HAS BEEN KNOWN TO HAPPEN IN FIGHTS, PEOPLE–will ultimately cost her that you yourself would have to admit is an ounce too much? Yet in our Voyeuracracy, your least sin is considered worthy of a lifetime of retribution.

This event–recorded, disseminated, ladled to the anonymous sharks of the comment zone like so much chum– now has the public weight of what we have traditionally called “news”. But it’s not. News has integrity and serves the public good in the telling of it. That’s why  we don’t call TMZ “news”. That’s why we don’t call Fox News “news”.

Certainly the word “nigger” is not news. I challenge the offended party to surrender his iPod to see just how often that word comes up in his playlists! And a crazy woman shouting “nigger” until she needs a lozenge is not news either (I’ve had such a display happen right outside my own home, and it made me wince, but I don’t want my neighbor’s name added to a registry over it).

What we have here  is a common novelty, and it will be forgotten by tomorrow, except by the woman, whose  cloddish disgrace is now fodder for a tsk-tsking as far away as the Australian outback, and the maker of the video, who even now is beset by sugar plum dreams of monetizing those five million views. The only winner in all this is Poo-Pourri, the foul toilet product whose ads are running before the video. Good luck getting some of that ad revenue, IAMOYAB. You haven’t really done much for race relations, but at least there is a way to keep your shit from stinking.

Queen for a Day!

As threatened promised, I showed up at Buffalo’s Queen City bookstore on Wednesday and thrusted a hard Weapon Brown at every unsuspecting customer that made eye contact with me. The public’s to my book ran the gambit from indifference to bloooorrrghh!
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“If you must hold one book at waist height this year, I’d recommend Weapon Brown. (I was not compensated for this endorsement… I was given a copy of Weapon Brown instead.)”


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My fans, the Kleinmartin-Barbecue family, could barely contain their happiness at reading Weapon Brown! “Gorge” is the same as happiness, right?


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My family, on the other hand, are all demanding refunds!


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Even Beepo’s grandmother is revolted at my work! 

Thanks to everyone who showed up at my signing!  Now if you’ll excuse me, my friends want me to go play “Slenderman” with them in the woods!

What are you up to, Captcha???

If you try to post comments on my web site, beware! Captcha is really about fucking with your head today!

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