After waiting for the rest of the Internet to delete all its extant duplicates of my Clarissa story “Stuffed Friend”, I have finally thrown up my hands and decided I had better cash in on this craze and post Stuffed Friend myself!
So now, my most famous Clarissa short is at last available for you to read on my Clarissa page!
I actually began my news fast a few weeks earlier than this date, so paradoxically, I begin by fast-forwarding backwards. It will be keen to see which stories fermented in my absence. I remember the Olympics were about to start, the people of Ukraine were gettin’ antsy over sumthin’, and Chris Christie was getting it from all sides (and since Christie is a six-dimensional Corpuloid, that means quite a bit!) The cartoons below were picked based on the frequency of their topic recurring in other cartoons.
Ho-hum. More whining from the teabags about ObamaCare. As of February 20th, all is right with the world.
Oh North Korea, what are you up to now? This Hitler comparison is, I’m sure, over the top. I mean, we made our peace with the Kim Family turning their country into the Japanese nightclub scene from Kill Bill a long time ago! Hyperbole much, cartoonists?
Waitaminit… stimulus? We did that before, right? They’re… talking about it again? I mean, the economy HAS to have turned around by now! Csn’t I leave the country alone for five minutes??
Putin, Ukraine and flames… I saw this motif a few times. My take: Putin is pissed over all the “flaming” homos of the Ukraine’s men’s figure skating team that whooped Russia’s all-straight asses! That or he’s started a genocide.
No Christie strips from that day, I notice! I’m glad the press is off his back. (Or maybe they are still on there, trapped in his fat folds.)
Okay, I’m a full two weeks into the future from here I began! (Wait, was 2014 a leap year? Three weeks then…). The world seemed more or less on an even keel. Hell, Syria was out of the news entirely! I know shit was going down there when I checked out, so I figure someone has invented a “peace ray”, or maybe we made first contact with the Vulcans? Either way, I suspect the next round of cartoons will hail the arrival of paradise on earth!
Was I right or was I right? Hey, no space-age technology could ever hope to bring the Ds and Rs together, but they are just the last evolutionary stage of the human experiment before we all turn into X-Men. I’m sure of it! Anyway, the elephant is smiling, so that’s good news! Let’s see what else folks are talking about today in the past…
Whoops! Sarek of Vulcan better not take any weekends off. Looks like Ukraine is still a bit of a hot topic… though how bad can things be? That Ukrainian doesn’t look any more worried than Bart Simpson does when Homer chokes him, and that always ends in smiles! On to our next topic…
Ho-kay! It’s surprising how much coverage this Ukraine bizness is getting. But hey, at least this strip was good for a chuckle. I get the feeling that everything is gonna be…
ALRIGHT! ENOUGH WITH THE FUKKIN’ UKRAINE!! Yeesh! And I had to go all the way to a Slovakian newspaper to glean the narrative of this story. It appears that a ventriloquist’s dummy is demanding help from Lena Hyena, so I figure that… um… nope. Lost the thread. I’ll just assume Ukraine stole a bunch of Russia’s beets.
Ah, at last! Putin has turned his attention from the Ukraine to some place called Crimea! That’s where Borat’s from, right? Fuck those sister-drilling anti-Semites!
Hmm… looks like the EU is still upset with Putin, though. Enough to blow up a balloon in his face! Crimea river! Oh shit… I bet that would have been funny in a political cartoon if I’d drawn it last week! Why did I choose now to start ignoring world events??
Oh, wait… never mind. I forgot that when one draws political cartoons, there’s always the risk that your clever pun will yield to a shitty, lazy, tasteless-on-at least-two-levels joke. And my minimum is three levels.
What?? the CIA hacked into Senator Feinstein’s lap?? Cuz they aren’t the only ones who’d like a piece of that hot, wet lap, if you get what I’m saying…
Oh my God… what am I saying? I’m not hot for Feinstein! Or… or am I? No… ! The news is starting to drive me insane again! This is why I stopped in the first place! Oh God… I feel sick. I need a… a bromide…
Ahhh… that hit the spot. As long as these two are still doing the Felix-and-Oscar routine, how bad could the world have gotten?
So, to recap: The economy still sucks, Washington is still bugshit, and America is still powerless to thwart world events. And aliens are stealing our airplanes. How little has changed! Yes, you news junkies may see a world on the brink, but you lack the Rip Van Winkle perspective! Today’s Ukraine is yesterday’s Syria, and yesterday’s Syria is just waiting to be tossed into the clearance bin with Iraq. Nothing to see here, folks! Back into the cocoon I go!
Concrete-reinforced cocoon, well stocked with canned goods, just waiting for the birds to start flying.
|Farewell, sweet Barton Fink.|
This is a pretty good track record as far as forced oblivions go. My bubble of ignorance is nearly as impenetrable as the GOP’s. Of course, that force field is still solid enough to protect a Borg cube, or else how could this legislation have made it as far as the governor’s desk?
Jan has truly proven herself as the biggest Tea Party fraud since the original Boston Tea Party framed a bunch of Indians for their own vandalism (which probably caused the British to slaughter a whole village before the deception was uncovered). After all, This isn’t the first time Jan Brewer has had to veto some modern Nuremberg law that AZ’s Reichstag sent her way, while still claiming she is a bulwark against Comrade Obama. The irony is that while the GOP pretends to be the party of small, heterosexual business, it is juggernauts like the NFL and Apple that brought her to heel.
Another bit of culture that has slipped through my driftnet is the emergence of a new Facebook holiday called “Throwback Thursdays”. While this has probably been around since 2002, I have only just heard of it today after seeing two mentions of it on on FB. Will this corporate phenomenon become the new Valentine’s Day? Christ, I hope not. I don’t think the Suicide Hotline could deal with me every Thursday!
Anyway, without knowing a goddamn thing about the concept behind this idiotic idea, here is my contribution: the opening credits to the awesomely progressive 80′s cartoon Bionic Six! From it’s multicultural ethos to it’s trumpeting of the “miracle of modern science”, it’s the biggest “fuck you” to Arizona I can think of!
My news fast continues, and after weeks of oblivionI have concluded that nothing at all is taking place in the world!
I would have thought by now that if anything at all that could possibly affect my life were transpiring in the known Universe, surely a dribble of it would have reached my ears in the nearly three weeks since I foreswore the News. And although the sad event of Phillip Seymour Hoffman’s OD did slip past my defenses, as well as the the Fishhawks winning the Super Bowl, I now believe that the world is otherwise running like clockwork and has become an Eden of peace!
Certainly no one I know has disabused me of this notion. It turns out I was my friends’ only connection to that great River of Bullshit as well, useful on those days when they wanted a window into word events. No wonder my friends are always so happy. I’d love to be able to tune me the fuck out too!
Allow me to remind you of the world as it was when I transcended the earthly plane: Syria was a bubbling cauldron of blood and shit, Chris “The Only Un-Crazy Republican Left in Politics” Christie was taking it from every direction like the star of a bukkake video, a new Debt Ceiling showdown was looming, Congress was poised to torpedo our Iran negotiations, and the NSA was being given one of Obama’s trademark pat-on-the-head finger waggings.
How did these critical matters play out? Have any new topics of distraction arisen???????? You can see by my enthusiastic use of question marks that I have not completely lost interest in worldly events. I invite you all to post comments to this post that tease and tantalize me about the goings-on in the world without actually naming names or otherwise “spoiling” the story. Just give me a few crumbs so that when I emerge from my chrysalis in a few weeks like Rip Van Winkle I will be able to backtrack and see what you are hinting at.
I predict this is the way we will all be dealing with the 24-hour news cycle in the future! I’m a trailblazer! Spread the word! (Just not to me.)
Woot! The Weapon Brown graphic novel is now officially listed in the big ol’ Previews catalog that ships to every comic shop in the known Universe! Soon the world will get to enjoy what only you, the select few have known about for years! But it’s not too late! Run to your nearest shop and burn every copy of Previews you find! Why should you have to share me??
Anyway, the ad is on page 322, so tell your favorite comic monger to order a dozen copies or else the terrorists win!
(Wait… didn’t they win already? I mean, they obviously won in Iraq, but is that a “win” win? ‘Cause Iraq really had nothing to do with 9/11. Wait… why did we go to war with that country again? We didn’t go to war in Iraq just so that al-Qaeda could make that their new home and start popping off car bombs every few days, right? ‘Cause that is definitely what’s going on there, and I’m just…. a bit confused… how much did that war cost again…?)
Sorry for that digression! These are the sorts of questions that occur to you when you take a break from having your brain worked like a speed bag by the news. Yes, I am currently in the midst of News Fast 2014! A “news fast” is something I do every now and then where I disconnect entirely from the news media in all its forms to remind myself that A) the news is never good, so why bother? and B) There’s not a goddamn thing I can do with the information I get from the news, because Syria and John Boehner just don’t give a rat’s ass about me, despite all the chocolates I send them.
This also means that in a few weeks I may find that the Tea Party has committed mass suicide and that “Madea Loses Her Legs to Diabetes” won Best Picture. What an awesome surprise to discover so much about the past at once! Of course, if aliens invade earth I probably won’t be able to tune that out. Then again, we’ve all gotten good at tuning out that Iraq business, so who knows?
If you think I’m sitting around smoking dope all day like a one man State of Colorado instead of working on new comics, then you’re half right! Here’s a page from the new short story that will be in the graphic novel!
(Okay, well… Steven is looking in the other direction, but he might have caught the reflection in one of his Oscars. Photo courtesy of Peter Podgursky)
The New Year approaches, but I don’t want to say goodbye to 2013! When will I ever again have a year as triumphant as this one? I do not refer to my earthquake of a Kickstarter campaign but to the fact that I at last fixed the busted deadlatch on my basement door! Now the damn cat can’t get down there to pee in my laundry basket! On top of that, I also cooked up a novice caramel sauce for the first time that wasn’t half bad! 2013, you were all that was magic!
That fix-it job on my door also yielded an interesting bit of whimsy. When I unscrewed the plate from the door, what should fall out from behind it but the head of a safety pin and a little plastic googly eye! What the frig? Did someone stick those there just for the moment when a futurian like me would need to fix the doorknob? Was it a spur of the moment time capsule? Hmm… I may need to pay that forward. In the meantime, free googly eye!
|Stare into my eye!!|
This is the time of year where I make all the resolutions I will break as far as new projects and products you can expect from me in the new year. In 2013 my plans were grandiose indeed! As it turned out, preparing the Weapon Brown Kickstarter swallowed up virtually every particle of my time. Even now, when I should be free of that beast, Weapon Brown continues to swall0w my every moment like a bulimic Galactus (please don’t call the simile cops on me). But with a fresh new googly eye I can stare into the future of 2014, and with no Mesoamerican prophecies to stand in my way I can now give you…