Potholes Ahead!
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Wednesday — October 8th, 2014

Potholes Ahead!

The Power of Three!

I recently stuffed as much mucus up my nose as each nostril could take and then did an inytrview with the cool cats at the Nerd to the Third Power podcast! Here it is in the form of a yummy YouTube lozenge!

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And speaking of being a thrice-fold nerd, here are some comic book covers I recently customized! Got blank comics?? Send them to me with money and watch me turn them into arts!

 

          Snorkelwacker Cover  Composite Superman Cover Dalek Cover

Buggin’ Out!

Maybe you’ve heard of this controversy?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 Well I did! And I couldn’t help funnin’ with Krazy Krow’s cartoon gal Spinnerette over it!

Road Warrior

I have been journeying across Our Homeland spreading the gospel of Weapon Brown to those who deny that Chuck is the One True Blockhead. Here are some snaps from my most recent tent revivals!

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Chicago! Here I am, ready to sell in The City with Big Shoulders! (Soon I will realize I am also in the The City with No Money!)

All I did was ask this buxom Velma if she liked it Scooby style! Yeesh! I thought geek girls were supposed to be all about empowerment and shit…

Sorry, young one. You cannot transform your way out of a bullying problem at school.

Never piss off a muffin bender!

Does anyone remember Atreyu from The Neverending Story? Neither did this young man! But I forced him to wear my spare Atreyu costume anyway! Parents, keep an eye on your kids at these shows!

Look, everyone! It’s Delayed Allergic Reaction to Silver Body Paint Man!

Finally! An honest goddamn costume!

I think I’ve made a joke before about wanting to “hit it” in relation to another costumed Hit Girl, so this photo gets no caption.

Two Dudes, One Carton.

Cool! A guy in a Heisenberg costume! Hey, I’ve got a great knock-knock joke for you…

Oh shit! I forgot…HE’S the one who knocks!!

Thank God I escaped that town with a minimum of bruises and bed bugs. Next, it was on to Baltimore, where I also found that people who spend all their money on costumes often do not have enough to spare to support FIVE YEARS OF MY LIFE’S WORK!!

 

Baltimore! If this city is anything like the way The Wire portrays it, I am in for some smooth sailing!

This man was genuinely unimpressed with my notes on how I would have shot Man of Steel.

This is Machine Man, a D-list Marvel character who I told should probably not expect a Guardians of the Galaxy treatment. His logic circuits did not take the news well.

Threaten me all you want, but your Red Skull costume has genuine flaws!!

I shiteth thee not: that hammer must have weighed twenty pounds, and this guy carried it on his belt as easily as an iPod! Nevertheless, I still felt that in high school he probably got his ass beat a lot.

A sketch for a Beepo and Roadkill fan! (There are six in all existence!)

A commission for a man’s Archie sketchbook. He requested “no filth”, but I still hid six shlongs in the drawing. See if you can find them!

Look, I just saw a much better Thor costume. Why don’t you ask that guy for some tips? …OOOOF! 

Cutest Couple Award! Unfortunately they refused their prize, which was six months of me living in their basement.

These guys didn’t like my opinion of their Bette Midler and Mickey Rourke costumes.

Cutest Trio Award! Yet once again, I still don’t have a place to crash for the next few months. Please e-mail me if you have a tool shed you aren’t using!

Keep your parakeets on a leash, people!

Comicons: Family fun that Disney just can’t beat!

You’d like to read Deep Fried? Well… bear in mind, it’s a little dark.

Yep, that’s what I was afraid of. Sorry, Universe!

 

And that’s all I can stands, I can’t stands no more! If your town has a show you’d like me to attend, just send me the details (along with how many weeks you can let me surf your couch!)

Forbidden Fruitcake

My signing at Forbidden Planet this past Wednesday was a thrill! Have you ever lugged 100lbs of future landfill around one of the most crowded cities on earth, occasionally dropping it down a flight of subway stairs? Thriiillllliiinnnng. Here are the highlights!

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Forbidden Planet! Within this treasury of glories are wonders that would make any Mr. Magorium close up shop and move back in with his mother! 

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And here’s your hero, thumbs all a-uppin’, completely oblivious to the fact that soon he will be trying in vain to sell his book to people who have already decided to spend their disposable income on the original French graphic novel of Snow Piercer. (How the fuck was I supposed to know that was my competition?? I loved that movie!)

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This man asked me to sign his book “To My Biggest Fan”. He also had me sign it on his penis, which was awkward because he already had Rob Liefeld’s signature tattooed there, and Rob really hogged the shaft.

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Lobot is one of my biggest fans, but he better slim down if he wants to land a cameo in Episode VII.

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This fellow hailed from China, and he kept politely asking me when I planned to “pay him back”. I said I didn’t know what he was talking about, and he gave me an address–

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–which led to this giant computer that is apparently trying to calculate pi to its last digit. Sorry, chum! I guess some jokes just don’t translate!

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This is Marcus, who was the inspiration for Hughie (really!) When I told him I had no plans for a Hughie tee he got a little upset at my throat.

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It’s not just the comic market: whole families hate Weapon Brown!

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I thought Mark here was Hulking out, trying to tear up my phonebook-sized tome! Actually, he was stroking out! (Sorry I didn’t call the paramedics faster, Mark! You look good with half your face paralyzed, though…)

Thanks to Jeff, Drew, Alec and the rest of the crew at FP for making my day a joy. As for the millions of New Yowkas who didn’t turn out to see me? Die of Ebola, bitches.

My Awesome: You Want It

Robot 6, the mighty Jaeger defending America’s East Coast, is also a comic book critic with much love for Weapon Brown! Read his review of my mighty graphic novel at Comic Book Resources.

And the megastorm of Weapon Brown coverage continues! Here’s another review from Doug Glassman at Collected Editions. (For those of you looking for a favorable review, Doug does accept bribes in the form of “likes” for his Facebook photo of his nephew dumping ravioli on his head. Adorable!)

Know someone who should be reviewing Weapon Brown? Send me their link!

 

How many different ways must I tell you?

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All Geek to Me!

Much love to The Geekiary for an interview they just did with me! Read it here before the fact checking begins and they find out that that Charlie Brown was actually invented by a guy named Jorge Schlotz!

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And look! I might not be big in Japan, but I’m huge in Albany!

Your Own Private Idaho

So by now, unless you have been living under a rainwater-filled tire with a guy named Three-toed Benny (he’s a nice guy as long as you don’t touch his poncho), you have heard of the national practical joke that is the Potato Salad Kickstarter.

Started by some guy as a lark to raise $10.00 with which to make a potato salad, a spotlight cast on the project by Cnet.com turned this novelty fundraising campaign into the biggest “fuck you” ever conceived pf to those trying to raise money through other crowdfunding platforms to buy a second hand artificial leg. In just nine days the campaign has raised over $47,000, with three weeks left to go.

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Could Americans suffering trough a depression really have this much disposable income to squander on a modern day  “man-eating chicken” con? Is the money perhaps flowing from the idle rich, a cynical protest against increasing the minimum wage, perhaps?

Let’s not raise a guillotine on the National Mall just yet. The bulk of the money gathered by Potato Salad appears to be coming from people pledging $3.00 or less for the thrill of having their names spoken aloud in a video while a guy named Zack Danger Brown folds mayonnaise into a bowl of potatoes. Ccome to think of it…  oil up the guillotine anyway!)

More galling still is the proliferation of imitators hoping to cash in on this gimmick with potato salad schemes of their own. In the past few days, moocher campaigns begun by schmucks hoping to score a year’s income merely by asking for ten dollars to buy produce have sprouted like antlers from a month-old potato. One wishes that evolution had coded for a form of instant, fast-growing stomach cancer that would emerge immediately inside people who try to parasitize a complete fluke in this way.

Here are a few of the campaigns launched by America’s glue-sniffing population, most of whom also share dreams of being the twentieth caller to “The Storm” 105.5’s Bruno Mars ticket giveaway:

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And this is but a sliver of what are probably hundreds of such campaigns, each elbowing each other for the right to be the last to get the joke.

These campaigns all promise a better variety of potato salad, or a superior type of salad (“LONG LIVE EGG SALAD!” Travis Kelly Spurn writes beneath the stolen photo of a scrumptious sandwich illustrating his unfunded campaign). Still other drives promise a different class of comestible altogether.

So I decided I wanted to make ice cream for the first time,” reads the introduction to a Kickstarter by a man named “J” (all these cling-on campaigns imitate the ambivalence of the original, just in case it is ironic detachment and not potato salad itself which hold the keys to the kingdom). J is begging for $100.00 to be dropped in his tin cup over the next 56 days. Better be careful with your credit cards, hipsters ! J’s arm probably has enough track marks to be mistaken for a Seurat. 

In 56 days, if Jay isn’t sitting in County for a parole violation, he will probably have forgotten he began a campaign in the first place. The cancellation notice from Kickstarter will go straight to his spam folder. This begs the question: why has Kickstarter permitted these frivolous campaigns at all? Kickstarter, if you’ll remember, was intended to help inventors, film makers and handsome cartoonists scrape up the capital for actual, market-worthy projects. Lately, however, it has become the playground for already monied parties to soak up pity-cash from the public (the admittedly cheeky Bee and Puppycat campaign comes to mind), and now this: a completely unfettered policy of any-crap-goes.

Kickstarter is still a crowd funding platform and not a Kevin Smith movie, right?

UPDATE: The final tally: $55,492! (The egg salad Kickstarter has raised $20.00 to date, exceeding its goal by 18%.)

Video of the Day!

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Coffee Break: Pirates of the Royal Caribbean