George Carlin died yesterday, leaving behind a legacy as one of the leading comedic voices of his generation.
Most people are familiar with Carlin for his bombastic, incredulous commentaries on all things cultural and political, and his persona of being your dad’s cool dope dealer. But his greatest contribution to society is undoubtedly  his invention of the now commonplace “seven words you can’t say on television”: shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits.
Carlin invented these words in a Da Vinci-like streak of creativity between 1974 and 1977, premiering them one at a time during his stand-up performances. And though rumors persist that “cocksucker” may have been appropriated from a transient Carlin picked up hitchhiking outside of Las Vegas and later tricked into overdosing on heartworm medication, his overall genius cannot be denied.
Eventually, concerns about public decency  led to the  landmark 1978 Supreme Court decision in  FCC vs Pacifica Foundation, where the seven words were prohibited from public airwaves altogether (this case also became the foundation of the Court’s later decision to make the phrase “I don’t know” subject to the FCC’s notorious “green slime rule”).
Despite this, the field of profanity continues to flourish due to George Carlin’s impact, and we clearly owe that motherfucker a debt of gratitude.
I am returned from my triumphant appearance at Wizard World Philly. I sold lots of books (even sold out of a few items, which is always nice), and also appeared on a panel on the topic of controversial cartoons which is burning up the forums. My next show is Wizard World Chicago. I hope you can all be there! And when I say “I hope you can all be there”, I don’t mean maybe a few of you who live near by. Everyone fucking show up this time. I’m serious.
My evil cronies, the Ghostbuster Nightsquad, have just posted a video on their website that they shot at the Pittsburgh show. And in it they just bust out the kneepads and blow my ego like it was a soldier on leave. God bless you, my flunkies. You all get an extra crust of bread for dinner this week.
It is always a pleasure to see the flowers fertilized by George Bush’s bullshit blossom in the same news cycle in which he planted them. This time it is his real feelings towards our soldiers, aka “Greatest Generation 2.0”.
In case any of you have missed it, the prez loves comparing our Army of Boots to the soldiers in World War II (our soldiers, that is). Here’s Brainiac at the Air Force Academy graduation ceremony June 2nd, 2004:
“Like the Second World War, our present conflict began with a ruthless, surprise attack on the United States. We will not forget that treachery, and we will accept nothing less than victory over the enemy.”
Here he is again in 2005, speaking on the 60th anniversary of VJ Day:
” As we mark this anniversary, we are again a nation at war. Once again, war came to our shores with a surprise attack that killed thousands in cold blood. Once again, we face determined enemies who follow a ruthless ideology that despises everything America stands for (…) Captain Stone is a Marine officer now serving in Iraq. He knows that he and his generation are doing the same vital work in this war on terror that his grandparents did in World War II.”
And of course, today’s commencement address at the Air Force Academy:
“Germany and Japan, once mortal enemies, are now allies of the United States and people across the world have reaped the benefits from that alliance. Today we must do the same in Afghanistan and Iraq.”
(in case it wasn’t clear that Bush sees Iraq as equivalent to WWII, he mentioned Germany and Japan roughly once every 40 seconds)
But wait! What about actually treating them like those Private Ryans we love so much? Not if it means a GI Bill that gives them the same bennies as a World War II vet. Bush has promised to veto the new GI Bill which offers college tuition benefits on par with those offered veterans in 1944, and he has a damn good reason: THIS AIN’T WORLD WAR II, SON!
Here’s the quacking point being disseminated by Fox:
“After all this is different. People point to, “Well, look what they did after World War II.†Well, after World War II, people were conscripted… Now people are saying “I want to be a military person. I am signing on in a volunteer force.â€
In other words, stop-loss is a volunteer draft, so fuck you soldja boy!!
Will somebody please put a pretzel in this guy’s head?