The massacre last Thursday at Fort Hood has resulted in a more tamped-down xenophobic reaction from the Right than I expected. Oh sure, Fox News and talk radio have all weighed in with bitter grumblings about how political correctness prevented someone or other from sending this guy to Gitmo while we had the chance. Still, the the fact that Michelle Bachman hasn’t intorduced a Constitutional ammendment to have all Americans of Arab descent loaded into a space shuttle and shot into the sun may be the first sign that Obama deserved that peace prize.

Of course, it could also be because another shooting rampage took place the very next day in Orlando.

That shootin’ gallery turned out to be a less sexy story, since the gunman only killed one and wounded five; the piece probably appeared in your paper right below a coupon for Ragu. But it is a reminder to anyone who  thinks that Nidal Malik Hasan is a terrorist because he shouted “Allah Akbar!”*  during his spree instead of “Yippee kai yay, motherfuckers!” that workplace slaughter is as American as apple pie.

Or maybe the reason the Republicans have moderated their tone ever so slightly is the purported reason Hasan snapped: he didn’t want to go to Afghanistan. Who the fuck would?

And speaking of the residue of 9/11, last Monday the Navy unveiled a new assault ship built with steel salvaged from the World Trade Center. And while it is too bad that Ground Zero remains an undeveloped pit after so many years, it is good to know that the building that once stood there has been turned into such a nice weapon of war. Now if only our enemy had a navy…

* still unconfirmed

After a summer in which Obama’s “play it cool” response to the Iranian election scandal led many of his detractors to call him soft on democracy (par for the course when you are also labeling someone a commu-fascist-illegal alien, but still…), what would be the last thing the President would want to cement that opinion?

Why presiding over his own mockery of Islamic democracy, of course! Enter the Shah of Afghanistan: Hamid Karzai!

If you recall, this guy was originally brought to power in 2001 by a council called  the “royal jerkoff” or something, where Afghanistan’s headmen, warlords and opium entrepreneurs all got together to pick a leader who was flashy enough for the networks but who would stay the fuck out of the way while they set up armed toll booths across the three unbroken strips of asphalt Afghanistan had left. 

And so it was! Since then of course, we know how swimmingly things have gone in that nation. Anyone who laughed at “Return of the Jedi” when the Ewoks brought down the Empire are now starting to wonder if George Lucas isn’t God’s final prophet. Meanwhile, all the typical corruption and incompetence that traditionally accompanies the foreign leaders we prop up just before our nation is dealt a major humiliation has come to pass. Cronyism, impotence and a brother who our generals liken to Al Capone are the hallmarks of Karzai’s rule (that and his dashing karakul).

Add to that the recent election fraud and the opposition’s unwillingness even to participate in a UN mandated run-off for fear of further bullshit results, and what do we have? South Vietnam, baby! And here comes the troop-swelling to prove it!

The Boy who Cried Vietnam is a tired cliche by now, but Vietnam was more than just tens of thousands of dead Americans and riots in the streets. It was a decade long slog, a losing of faith, an expensive testing of the nation’s patience while politician’s tried to solve a foreign policy Rubik’s cube with only one thumb. We don’t need our soldiers dying by the gross to get that feeling back. An endless struggle in a land we don’t care about while our principles fly out the window like out of control drones will get us to that point just as quickly.

I’m not being pessimistic. It’s just a fact: Karzai’s victory removes even the pretense of democracy (forget Jeffersonian democracy) from Afghanistan. We are the authors of a bogus election as surely as any Ayatollah. You can’t Surge your way out of that defeat.

When I’m not putting out the best goddamn web strip on the Interthing, I am constantly searching out pretenders to the throne, abducting them, interrogating them and searching for their weaknesses.

This week I bring you the transcript of the first such waterboarding, an interview with Justin Pasieka and James Randell, the deceptively polite minds behind the comic strip Riotfish, which is one of my favorite comics on the Net. Their cavalcade of fun-to-read,  next-step-beyond humor and adventure strips are just the prescription for any person who has decided that they want to turn their life weird. Read on, MacDuff!