After a two-week hallucinatory odyssey that began when I snorted an ounce of wasabi and stared for eighteen hours into a head of Romanesco broccoli, my thoughts are once again nine-dimensional enough that I can pass through the wormhole aperture that is the Apple movie trailer website and face the headwinds of  the Terrorstorm! The dopplegangers are multiplying exponentially, possibly owing to the sunspot cycle. But what does this bode for enslaved humanity??

Fantastic Four Child 44 vs.

Rarely does a Hollywood doppleganger dopple this gangfully! Fours upon fours…. but what does it mean?? Surely we don’t need reminding that this fourth take at a serviceable Fantastic Four movie is just more pablum for 44-year-old man-children? That has been the Marvel fourmula for decades!

Poltergeist Terminator: Genisys vs.

If I served an industry forever strip-mining the ’80s for a winning concept, I’d be afraid to face my audience as well. But could this unwillingness to confront the public’s gaze imply that the tide is finally turning against the totalitarian overlords of Bohemian Grove??

50 Shades of Grey Pitch Perfect 2 vs.

More shame-filled back-turning from the Nightmare Factory! Hollywood is so disgraced at having pinched off a big screen adaptation of the fan fiction dreck that is 50 Shades of Grey that its producers are now contemplating 50-story plunges! And does the suppressed Nag Hammadi codex, the Gospel of Chico, not declare that “whence cometh the day that the art of tagline writing descends into base punnery, the new aeon shall be upon you”?

 

Ted 2 Paddington vs.

Sweet, cuddly teddy bears! Could this be the tyrants’ white flag of surrender? Don’t you believe it!  The back-turning was only a feint!! For now, the reptilians hide their agenda behind a huggable, plush facade. But when they finally turn to face us we will be confronted with a mouthful of razor sharp milk teeth!

Hollywood remains the center and circumference of all madness, and it is now clear that the secret masters will retain control of our consumerist Hologram for at least three more solstices. I will continue to look for chinks in their psychic armor, but I can’t do this alone! If you find any glitches in the Matrix please jot them down on only Heineken brand beer coasters and deposit them in your nearest Redbox. My network of freedom fighters will make sure I receive them! (Oh, and please stop calling me an anti-semite. “Reptilians” is not code for “Jews”. There are no more Jews! The reptilians replaced them all in 1976!!)