What? You think this is a joke? You think I Photoshopped this?? This isn’t a joke, you assholes! This is a real movie! This has been made! It stars Liam Neeson! This movie has been made! THIS MOVIE IS GOING TO BE RELEASED!!

Why the fuck are you doing this too us, Hollywood?! I feel like the fat chick in Buffalo Bill’s torture pit! “It gargles our diarrhea or else it gets the hose again.” How can you do this to us after G.I. Joe and three Transformers movies?! Are we just ants under a magnifying glass to you??

“Peter Berg (Hancock) produces and directs Battleship, an epic action-adventure that unfolds across the seas, in the skies and over land as our planet fights for survival against a superior force. Based on Hasbro’s classic naval combat game, Battleship stars…” SHUT UP! I don’t want to hear any more!! You can’t base anything on Battleship! It has no plot! The plot is you are bored on a Sunday afternoon and so is your older brother!! This isn’t like Clue, you fucking idiots! Battleship has no characters except red pegs! Who have you cast to play the red pegs? Simon Pegg?? You would do that too, wouldn’t you, you FUCKS!!

Are you actually going to foist this on us? Fucking look at me when I am talking to you, you braindead sack of real estate!! Do you really think America is so lobotomized we  will pay ten dollars to see if you stick to the game’s fucking canon and sink the destroyer with two shots?? Do you think that is what America has come to??  Do you think we are going to sit on the edge of our seats while Liam Neeson pilots his damaged ship into position so he can say “E5!” and destroy the remaining alien space ship with a lucky shot?!


I’m coming to your house tonight, Hollywood. You did not know there was a line, but there was and you crossed it. I am bringing my nail clippers and Drano, Hollywood. We are going to have a party, just the two of us. The three of us, actually. You, me and hellish pain.The things I will do to you will make for a perfect sequel to Se7en… except there will be no Hollywood to produce it. That is a pity.

I want you to imagine what is going to happen to you tonight, Hollywood. Now stop imagining. Look out the window. I am at your door , Hollywood.

No no. Shhh. No more hoorays…. for Hollywood.