My eyes do not seem to be working in tandem anymore. Everywhere I look I see double!

Let’s start with the latest revelation from the Magic 8-Ball that controls human destiny, a message I call Blockbuster DVD Rental Coverbox Doppleganger Terrorstorm!!!!

The Lightning Thief
Whatever Works

Behold the arc of a man’s life! We begin as fire-eating youths, the elements at our command and even the mighty temples celebrating Man’s dominion of the world dwarfed by the height of our ambition!! 

Then, as the the years beat down upon us and the elements rally, our pates shed their luxurious coats and succumb to the Sun’s cruel freckling. New York City rises back to shoulder level as our skeletons surrender to gravity’s yoke, and only our slovenly clothes survive to remind us of our evaporated youth.

Think of that the next time you shit the day away playing Assassin’s Creed.

But the above is hardly the only example of eerie duplication taking place all around us. The effect has reached even the highest level’s of Washington’s elite! Lately my telescreen has been filled with images of some modern-day Adonis, golden of skin and with eyes that command the weak to stay the fuck out of his way! Could he be some sort of Ayn Randian superman??

“Man-of-Bronze” Doc Savage

No, its just a Republican with a hard-on for gaining power in our nation’s semi-annual nod to public fickleness, aka “democracy”.

“Man of Bronzer” John Boehner

If this weren’t all creepy enough, it now appears that television shows about weird time warps may themselves be generating time warps!

This is the theory put forth in Stephen Hawking’s new book “A Brief History of  Cancelled Network Television Sci-Fi”, in which he demonstrates that a high-concept series involving distortions of the space/time continuum (such as 2009’s Flash Forward) can emerge at random from the quantum foam, lasting for a single season before disappearing from reality.

The “Flash Forward” Effect

Lost The Event

The ripples these series generate effects the entire time spectrum, leaving in their wake extremely popular shows in the past that run for years, such as Lost, while paradoxically generating anti-programs in the future like The Event, which last only half a season before converting into low-energy mid-season replacements starring John Larroquette as a body waxer.