I only owned one Michael Jackson album in my life, and that was the 1982 vinyl “E.T.”album that he narrated. I don’t recall much of that experience, although Michael’s man-boy voice speaking the line “squashy little guy with a head like an eggplant” has always stuck with me. Apparently that album is a real collector’s item now.

Speaking of a collector’s item, how about that gold casket he was buried in! Okay, so it is only gold plated bronze, but at $25,000, I think this is a bit of a stain on the legend of man’s alleged philanthropy. How many starving children will go hungry tonight because Michael decided he needed to spend eternity liquefying inside the Ark of the Covenant?

Michael Jackson, laid to rest July 7th in his family plot.Â

They called me mad, but once again, an outing to the Apple Movie Trailers website has revealed that Hollywood is being run by a supercomputer cloned from the brain tissue of Rod Serling and Phillip K. Dick. What else can explain the impossible coincidences below??

Beyond a Reasonable Doubt		Precious
	vs.

If you must see one movie about a shattered black sillhouette against a monochromatic field, I say make it Precious, if only for the Gollum jokes you will be able to crack.

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra		Terminator Salvation
	vs.

Man or Machine. In the future, which will look more stoic as they stand still with sparkly shit flying in the air around them?

Nine		9		$9.99
	vs.		vs.

Nine! NINE! Are you going to tell me you don’t see it too?? It’s everywhere, man! The tinfoil isn’t keeping it out of my brain anymore!!

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen		District 9
	vs.

I was frightened enough by those alien eyes peering at me from the shadows of the Transformers poster, and scared still more when I got a better look at the face those eyes belonged to. But then, look! It’s that number again! Open your eyes, people!!

What message is Hollywood trying to communicate to us? What will happen to our species if we ignore it? I will continue my investigation until the men with the magic earmuffs triangulate my position. Until then, keep your suicide capsules clenched firmly between your teeth!

A cartoon from the RIT student magazine. Lookit the cool T-shirt that the guy in the beard is sporting!

 

This could be you! (without the grubby beard of course). Only a few days left for the T-shirt drive, and I am so close to success I can feel its hot breath on the back of my neck. Don’t be the guy who could have brought this momentous event to fruition but didn’t!  A rockin’ T-shirt plus an awesome graphic novel! Make the call! All lines are open!! SOYLANT GREEN IS PEOPLLLLE!