With so many masters of the dark arts vying for supremacy these days, it's hard to know which prince of evil really deserves your snivelling servitude and which is only trading on a rep he acquired from wearing black nail polish in the 11th grade. To better prepare you for the coming 1000 years of darkness, Deep Fried offers you this chart that you may...
 
 
 
 

Dark Lord

Sauron
the Great 		Lord
Voldemort

Emperor
Palpatine

His Infernal Majesty Richard B. Cheney

Source of
Sinister
Power

Plot device stolen from Wagner

Pilates
twice a
week

Mummified wookie paw Scorpion venom drunk from Ty Cobbs' skull
Cringing
Patsy

Grima "Wormtongue"

Peter
"Wormtail"
Pettigrew 		Nute
"Stunted Slime"
Gunray 		Lewis
"Bullet behind the ear in a parked car"
Libby
Evil Scheme

Liberate the Shire to secure pipeweed contracts for Kellogg, Brown and Root

Become Hogwarts headmaster, put Gryffindor House on double secret probabtion Amway
"Knock knock."

"Who's there?"

"170,000 US soldiers at your Eastern and Western frontiers, Ayatollah."
Turn Ons

Converting Quenya to l33t during lunch hour, Sue Grafton mysteries

 Unicorn blood smoothies "Order 66, when I can get her in the mood for it." 4-digit death tolls, swallowing otters whole
Pet Peeve

All-seeing eye can't avoid watching "Bones"

 Being confused with Corey from Slipknot The JediGate special prosecutor

Grand-
daughter's butterfly kisses

"I'd like to be remembered as..."

"The biggest, blackest nigger to ever represent for the Morgul Veil."

"'King Zorgon'. That was my first choice, but my kids though it was too 'Power Rangers'." "The inventor of cookie dough ice cream." "The man who tortured the secret to 'Lost' out of its creators. They're Walt's toy robots."

back