In America, war is a serious matter. It is an enterprise embarked upon only after earnest deliberation by the nation's committed, ego-free leaders; leaders elected by a sophisticated and educated public, who are in turn kept armed with relevant facts and opinions by a vigilant Fourth Estate. In America, before the going gets tough, the tough get answers. What a bunch of STIFFS! Here in UNMERICA, war is waged BY the sheeple FOR the sheeple! Our foreign policy comes with a side of fries, and if victory isn't delivered hot in 30 minutes, your next war is free! News Beat, Unmerica's highest-rated reality news drama, is committed to bringing you up-to-the-moment newsbites of every exciting development and amusing fabrication in our nation's ongoing war with the Decepticons! So tune out and turn up every week as rugged anchorclones Chad and Chad keep you unformed and nonvolved with the all the fast-breaking plot twists of...SHOCK AND AWE!
				Dateline 1/22/04 The news rolls on as Chad eats his own words and a new political party throws its hand grenade into the ring! (803 k)
				Dateline 9/24/03 War is over if you want it, and President Humongous couldn't agree more! The prez jets into orbit to deliver the mother of all victory speeches in the long awaited conclusion to Shock and Awe! (5046 k)
				Dateline 4/19/03 Hail the conquering liberators!! News Beat prematurely ejaculates over Unmerica's inevitable victory. The only problem is, neither side seems ready to call it quits! (2158 k)
				Dateline 4/07/03 One war good! Two wars BETTER!! Join Chad and Chad as the sequel to Unmerica's coolest war ever premiers in living rooms across the country! (2215 k)