For no other reason than I had a bag of kind bud that needed burning, my friends and I recently watched Jupiter Ascending, a movie that must have been bankrolled by the guys at RiffTrax. I mean…


This movie was a veritable Brundlefly of other Hollywood mistakes: Twilight fused with John Carter, Battlefield Earth, Thor… plus an additional chromosome 21 from The Phantom Menace. Are the Wachowskis punishing themselves for something? Are they so embarrassed by their high-concept flops like Cloud Atlas that they feel the need to emo it out on screen with this pandering piece of shit?

This isn’t simply a bad movie. This was calculated crap, a legacy committing suicide right before your eyes.

If you thought there couldn’t be a more nothing heroine than Bella Swan, say “hello” to Jupiter Jones, a woman who literally wins the genetic lottery when she turns out to be the reincarnation of the queen of a space corporation. Suddenly Jupiter is thrust into outer space on the rocket boots of a space werewolf, and she spends the rest of the movie being moved around like a chess piece by a trio of evil space-capitalists who feed her expository dialogue while she just stands there. It’s all just so Jupiter will enter her royal pin-number onto an iPad so that one or the other baddies can own the earth and turn all life into Oil of Olay.

Oh, did I mention the rocket boots? This movie has rocket boots. Hope you like rocket boots!

(The space werewolf also used to be a space angel-werewolf, until his wings were cut off, which he now regrets. I think Lana Wachowski may have written that character.)

Stream it and weep!