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earth_jason_shrugMy news fast continues, and after weeks of oblivionI have concluded that nothing at all is taking place in the world!

I would have thought by now that if anything at all that could possibly affect my life were transpiring in the known Universe, surely a dribble of it would have reached my ears in the nearly three weeks since I foreswore the News. And although the sad event of Phillip Seymour Hoffman’s OD did slip past my defenses, as well as the  the Fishhawks winning the Super Bowl, I now believe that the world is otherwise running like clockwork and has become an Eden of peace!

Certainly no one I know has disabused me of this notion. It turns out I was my friends’ only connection to that great River of Bullshit as well, useful on those days when they wanted a window into word events. No wonder my friends are always so happy. I’d love to be able to tune me the fuck out too!

Allow me to remind you of the world as it was when I transcended the earthly plane: Syria was a bubbling cauldron of blood and shit, Chris “The Only Un-Crazy Republican Left in Politics” Christie was taking it from every direction like the star of a bukkake video, a new Debt Ceiling showdown was looming, Congress was poised to torpedo our Iran negotiations, and the NSA was being given one of Obama’s trademark pat-on-the-head finger waggings.

How did these critical matters play out? Have any new topics of distraction arisen???????? You can see by my enthusiastic use of question marks that I have not completely lost interest in worldly events. I invite you all to post comments to this post that tease and tantalize me about the goings-on in the world without actually naming names or otherwise “spoiling” the story. Just give me a few crumbs so that when I emerge from my chrysalis in a few weeks like Rip Van Winkle I will be able to backtrack and see what you are hinting at.

I predict this is the way we will all be dealing with the 24-hour news cycle in the future! I’m a trailblazer! Spread the word! (Just not to me.)


  1. DoodlerJeff

    Well a big volcano on the other side of the world erupted. 100,000 or more running away from it…

  2. roaddragon

    When ya step outside to get yer pizza delivery you’ll notice one of the meanest winters we had in quite a while!

  3. LeonS

    Well… the debt limit passed!

  4. Renegade

    Since you last looked in, they only want to probe deeper into Chris Christie.Also, too: Try to avoid West Virginia for awhile, God is sending down plagues and everything there. Could be God's punishment because judges have declared anti-gay laws illegal in Virginia.. and Kentucky.. and Oklahoma.. and Utah… –DEVELOPING–

    JY: Oh God… who would ever want to probe Christie?

  5. YouKnowWho

    Israel attacked Iran. In retaliation, North Korea launched its nuclear arsenal, but the warheads all imploded on ignition, wiping out North Korea and creating a massive radioactive cloud that is rapidly engulfing the planet. No point in continuing with your “Weapon Brown” graphic novel plans; there will be no one around to read it. Best to take your 44K to South America and spend it on drugs and wild women for as long as you can.

  6. Boxcutter

    One word: Ukraine.

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