Newsorexiaon February 13, 2014 at 12:00 am
I would have thought by now that if anything at all that could possibly affect my life were transpiring in the known Universe, surely a dribble of it would have reached my ears in the nearly three weeks since I foreswore the News. And although the sad event of Phillip Seymour Hoffman’s OD did slip past my defenses, as well as the the Fishhawks winning the Super Bowl, I now believe that the world is otherwise running like clockwork and has become an Eden of peace!
Certainly no one I know has disabused me of this notion. It turns out I was my friends’ only connection to that great River of Bullshit as well, useful on those days when they wanted a window into word events. No wonder my friends are always so happy. I’d love to be able to tune me the fuck out too!
Allow me to remind you of the world as it was when I transcended the earthly plane: Syria was a bubbling cauldron of blood and shit, Chris “The Only Un-Crazy Republican Left in Politics” Christie was taking it from every direction like the star of a bukkake video, a new Debt Ceiling showdown was looming, Congress was poised to torpedo our Iran negotiations, and the NSA was being given one of Obama’s trademark pat-on-the-head finger waggings.
How did these critical matters play out? Have any new topics of distraction arisen???????? You can see by my enthusiastic use of question marks that I have not completely lost interest in worldly events. I invite you all to post comments to this post that tease and tantalize me about the goings-on in the world without actually naming names or otherwise “spoiling” the story. Just give me a few crumbs so that when I emerge from my chrysalis in a few weeks like Rip Van Winkle I will be able to backtrack and see what you are hinting at.
I predict this is the way we will all be dealing with the 24-hour news cycle in the future! I’m a trailblazer! Spread the word! (Just not to me.)