Finger Bangedon June 25, 2013 at 11:42 pm
As you all know and have been discussing on Twitter, Facespace and other socialist media, I recently received a crushing injury to my right hand’s index finger that nearly made me say “ouch”. Well, no sooner have I gotten my digit back to 95% optimal condition than I have have been sabotaged by my body yet again! This time it is the ring finger on my left hand that has turned puss! After barely tapping it on the edge of my bathtub, it appears that the ligament has ruptured, leaving my finger tip droopy and refusing to obey the orders my brain is giving it to straighten its life out!!
Hopefully the doctor I am seeing tomorrow will give me a splint that will cure all my ills. If, however, she finds out that I am a John Carpenter’s Thing that has forgotten it’s true nature, and that my body is simply trying to split off into separate organisms to, well, y’know… absorb you all? I will do my best to complete the Weapon Brown graphic novel double quick. I’d really like to get it on the market before we all join together as one pulsing mass. On the other hand, I haven’t been part of a pulsing mass of flesh in so long I kinda hope I am an imitation.
I have completed the animated Weapon Brown commercial, FYI, and even though you are still a couple months away from witnessing its glory, let me tell you: it is a glory to witness! Rarely has any project of mine come so close to being exactly what I imagined. I am even contemplating upping my standards to accommodate this new level of excellence.
My work on the commercial even eclipses Hollywood’s best offerings so far during shlockbuster season. And though I haven’t seen some of the films currently dominating house after house at your local megoplex, that still isn’t reason enough to prevent me from reviewing them! Therefor, it is time for…
MAN of STEEL aka Superman: The Fast and the Serious, aka SuperChrist
Have I Seen It: No
Who Saw It: A couple of my friends
The Plot: After planet Krypton is destroyed during its own Great Recession, Superman is sent to earth to become Superman. And even though everyone who has been out of the womb for more than 30 seconds knows Superman’s origin, here it is again! Also, he fights General Zod… again! This brings the total number of villains that Superman has fought in six modern movies and three incarnations up to…two.
The Verdict: This movie has two moods: mopey and ADHD, with unmemorable dialogue and acting.
WORLD WAR Z aka Faster, Zombie! Brains! Brains!
Have I Seen It: Yes
The Plot: After enjoying a cozy breakfast with his wife and small daughters, the world literally ends everywhere simultaneously while Brad Pitt is stuck in traffic. The cause? Zombies that were apparently bitten by radioactive cheetahs.
The Verdict: Although the infected move like they’ve got the Rage, we later learn that these zombies are indeed dead, and not just people suffering from super rabies. This is just one of the many half-explained elements of movie that sacrifices suspense for adrenaline.The horror that suffuses any good zombie flick is almost non-existent here. This movie assumes you’ve seen all that before and just want to get to zombie swarms crawling over each other. The problem is that we never get a feel for the zombies as baddies. You often can’t even tell the fast-moving corpses from their fleeing victims. It’s a creative new take on the classic flesh-eaters that is too much of a good thing, and then–surprisingly–not enough, since the best scenes are in the trailer.
Star Trek: Into Darkness aka Star Trek -based Movie Product
Have I Seen It: Yes
The Plot: The same as the last one, plus The Wrath of Khan.
The Verdict: J.J. Abrams is uninterested in adding anything new to the Star Trek canon, but is happy to shovel in everything you may have seen in Star Trek before (even old Leonard Nimoy as Spock for a cameo to justify that car commercial you should have seen by now.) The presence of the classic characters we all love is simply a nostalgic gloss for glittering action schlock, and as with the last two Star Trek feature films, a gigantic black boss ship makes an appearance. For fans of action and CGI, it’s got plenty of what you want, but where can’t you get that these days? The movies is truly an exciting special effects tour de force at times, but so is your average Mop-and Glo-advert. For fans of Star Trek its a high-speed yawn. On the upside, the new warp core looks pretty nifty. Do you want to pay ten bucks to see it?