Of all the twists, turns, folds, bends and power outages of last night’s Super Bowl (or “The Big Game”, as your regional supermarket chain called it in their circulars advertising off-brand pretzels), surely the most shocking turn of events was who Korean one-hit wonder Psy decided to sell his Gangnam soul to for his first ¬†American endorsement deal. If you imagined that the popularity of Gangnam Style would put Psy’s price out of reach for anyone but a combine of Coca-Cola and Dr. Evil, you thought wrong!

There he was, South Korea’s most popular star, bursting forth ¬†from what looked like a geyser of snot and doing his pony dance with a bunch of…pistachios?

Hey, I like pistachios, and I always treat myself to a handful from the bulk bin of the supermarket where I buy my off-brand pretzels, but can you imagine how much money America’s pistachio growers had to scrape together to land Psy when Dorritos probably offered to carve his face in the moon?

There are two possibilities here. One is that pistachios start moving like hotcakes, dropping the price for you and I and jump-starting this economy. The other is that pistachios retain their niche of popularity in-between filberts and Corn Nuts, bankrupting half of the southwest, crippling our “fragile recovery” (now in its fifth fragile year) and badda-boom-badda-bing… atomic war.

A lot is riding on you, Psy. The fact that you come from a country that is kissing cousins with Kim Jong-Batshit does not inspire me.