It’s happening again!! I thought the Mayan Apocalypse had ended the aeon and that the signs from Hollywood would cease their flow. But behold! They are as abundant as ever! Please, if you value your sanity, stay as far away from the iTunes Movie Trailers website as possible! For there you will find cryptic coincidences of such frequency that they would send Cthulu himself running to his psychotherapist!

I wil interpret these prophecies for you as I always have. My mind can handle it, for the star memes have long ago transformed my gray matter into translucent Play-Doh. Strap your egos in tight, and I hope your souls have passenger-side airbags!

Star Trek: Into Darkness
Oblivion
vs.

Two lonely men stand with their backs to the viewer, gazing upon scenes of devestation. One portends “darkness”, the other “oblivion”. Do I have to spell this out for you? Do you really not know how to spell the sentence “WE ARE WELL AND TRULY FUCKED?!?” Perhaps not, if you were educated in today’s crumbling public schools. AH HA! I have inadvertently cracked the final metaphor!

John Dies At The End

Warm Bodies

vs.

What kind of mind game is this?? Of course we all die in the end, but who is this “John” whose corpse the world is reheating? Is he Christ returned?? Surely Hollywood would not encourage these hopes, unless they could make a buck off of it. But how can one make money off of God?? The absurdities are compounding upon themselves!

Man of Steel
Pacific Rim
G.I. Joe Retaliation
vs.
vs.

Now the mad pattern becomes clear! Do not assume it is the coincidence of a man-of-steel alongside a steel man. The final puzzle piece comes courtesy of Dwayne Douglas Johnson. Chests! Broad, mighty chests! Pectorals you could crush diamonds upon! Look for The One to arrive bearing a torso of the gods! All you people who forgot to go gay before December 21st will find your stock in women’s boobies falling fast.

 

Buffalo Girls
The Lone Ranger
vs.

Eyes of truth, staring at you in judgement! Eyes of truth that know what it is you’ve been looking for on /b/! I repent! I REPENT!!!!

Some of you… the cynics… may yet not believe what I have revealed to you through Apple’s unmistakeable repeating avatars. But now I break the final seal. Watch the video below. Watch.

 

‘So what?” you say. “It’s only the trailer for the pessimistic third installment of the Iron Man franchise. Perhaps it is foolishly  trying to channel Christopher Nolan’s Dark Knight, but that doesn’t make it a message from the stars.”

Don’t you understand? The AUDIO! The audio isn’t from the Iron Man trailer! It’s the audio from the trailer for Star Trek: Into Darkness! They synch up perfectly!!

That warm feeling spreading in you lap is delusion leaving you through your urethra. When you are ready to take that final leap into the unknown, find me through the clues I will deposit in the Sunday Times crossword puzzle. And bring with you as many precious gemstones that the sale of your car will get you. You don’t want to know what the Terrorstorm has in store for non-mineral currency in 2013.