October 3rd, 2012
The moment has arrived! After years of campaigning, mudslinging, shit-flinging, hate-speeching and conspiracy mongering, the final assault on the voters’ patience is about to be launched! Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls: debating time is here!
Yes, the presidential debates! That risible, expertly scripted quest for the almighty game-changing zinger ! This is the moment where a racist, Red State Tea Bircher might suddenly switch sides and vote for a man he would otherwise murder his family to escape from.
Or maybe the expert arguments of Mitt Romney will swing the needle of a Prius-driving leftist with “Coexist” tattooed on his earlobe so that he sympathizes with a man who thinks that half the nation sleeps on a mattress of government cheese.
Or perhaps the undecided sliver of the public that can’t tell shit from Shinola will finally make up their minds based on the candidates’ neckties! Anything is possible!
We have been told for weeks, literally since the Romney suicide note that was the “47%” video, that these debates will be something akin to Luke facing Vader on Bespin, as though something of significance were at stake. The only thing I hope is that al Qaeda has been holding one jet liner in reserve since 9/11 and isn’t using Apple Maps to find Denver. Fuck the President, the contender, Jim Lehrer and anyone alive who still thinks these stand-up routines have any substance. I’d rather listen to Siri debate Retard Batman
than watch the two people who think they have the right to lead Â this country stand side by side at last and ignore each other,
matching wits only with their cue cards.
I won’t be watching any of the debates, and I hope you won’t either. How many election cycles do we have to wince through before we get the joke?