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Jesus Christie!

New Jersey governor Chris Christie may qualify for an NEA grant soon, because he is now America’s master at turning chicken shit into high art. At a moment when what the GOP really needs is a popular, courageous pol to steer his party away from the iceberg of of bedroom issues that threatens to tattoo them forever as reproductive fascists in the mode of the Ayatollah Khomenei, Christie is instead casting himself as the King Solomon of gay marriage and doing a fine impersonation of Boss Hogg in the process. Christie has threatened to “swiftly” veto a gay marriage bill just passed by NJ’s Democratic legislature, demanding instead that the issue be put to the people in a referendum. If only the masses will give him the thumbs up, then he will gladly sign the bill into law. But to leave the decision to the representatives of a representative democracy? Well, that’s just undemocratic! That Christie would even float this as plan “B” is the kind of code only a conservative voter can pretend he doesn’t understand. Chris Christie doesn’t give a shit what gay people do. Fuck, marry, pass their estates to their hairless sphinx cats… he is a progressive on the matter. Christie will flatly say that it is his religion, not he, that considers homosexuality a sin. Civil unions? Not a problem. But oh! that word “marriage”. That we must protect in the form Funk and Wagnall’s intended! It’s the kind of cop-out that would make you laugh if it wasn’t so mean and reinforcing of the image of politicians as career-minded whores. Christie is angling for a chance at the vice-presidential slot on the GOP ticket, and wearing the cloak of an arch-reactioanary is apparently the only criteria that matters. And yet conservatives were once on the verge of lighting themselves on fire if only that would get Christie into the race for president. And why? To save them from the cavalcade of moonbats, plutocrats and tinfoil hats that they themselves unleashed with the Tea Party. Do they really still not understand that it is a moderate they are crying out for? How long can a party that will embrace such cowardice in the face of irresistible social transformation last? Gays are out in the military, they are out in Congress, they are marrying legally in one state after another. If Christie would focus on his job and not his career–you know, what he was elected to do–he could do his Republicans the biggest favor of their lives by signing gay marriage into law and letting his party know it is ok to take the gun out of its mouth.


  1. Vic Sage


  2. Jody

    The GOP doesn’t *want* a candidate that will do the party a favor. They want a candidate that epitomizes the ugliest manifestations of their id, wrapped up in a nice package of Grecian Formula and alabaster skin.

    There is only one thing that motivates these fuckers and it is the nastiest form of raw tribalism.

  3. Richard

    He lowered the flag for Whitney, didn’t he? Gays like Whitney, don’t they? So therefore he’s done plenty for gays, hasn’t he?
    Always gripin’…

  4. Michael Roberts

    Do they really still not understand that it is a moderate they are crying out for?


    I’m happy I could clear that up for you.

  5. KarlMonster

    They do not have any good – or even new – ideas, so they go to the old reliable block plays. If you can’t beat them, commission a study! And when in doubt, always show solidarity with the rest of the Republican Leadership. New ideas are what the lobbying groups are for. New ideas, and the money to fuel the smear campaigns of the next election cycle.

    And seriously, angling for the Veep? Both Chris and Jeb know that the Veep is a dead end job. They’re waiting for an an election year when the Federal Treasury is properly funded. Congress may have the power of the purse, but a properly funded President can do much more damage. People seem to be forgetting that.

    Capcha: derianag nave

    Deranged and Naive, sounds like they’re at the top of the ticket this year.

  6. jammit

    I’m just going to troll here for a second. It’ll make sense, just go with it. If ‘god’ declares marriage is between a man and a woman (which the bible has nothing on what ‘god’ has decreed as marriage), then why is this even being considered a valid policy of U.S. law? The minute any politician says ‘… in the bible’ should immediately be shouted down and laughed at. Especially by Christians. Chris Christie’s belief in a magic sky daddy has nothing to do with U.S. law. It’s in the Constitution, damnit. He should read it sometime. If marriage is defined by the bible, then we need to remove such silly religious tests from all laws, and retroactively declare all previous contracts null and void.

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