» Archive » WHY DO YOU HATE US, HOLLYWOOD?!?

WHY DO YOU HATE US, HOLLYWOOD?!?

What? You think this is a joke? You think I Photoshopped this?? This isn’t a joke, you assholes! This is a real movie! This has been made! It stars Liam Neeson! This movie has been made! THIS MOVIE IS GOING TO BE RELEASED!! Why the fuck are you doing this too us, Hollywood?! I feel like the fat chick in Buffalo Bill’s torture pit! “It gargles our diarrhea or else it gets the hose again.” How can you do this to us after G.I. Joe and three Transformers movies?! Are we just ants under a magnifying glass to you?? “Peter Berg (Hancock) produces and directs Battleship, an epic action-adventure that unfolds across the seas, in the skies and over land as our planet fights for survival against a superior force. Based on Hasbro’s classic naval combat game, Battleship stars…” SHUT UP! I don’t want to hear any more!! You can’t base anything on Battleship! It has no plot! The plot is you are bored on a Sunday afternoon and so is your older brother!! This isn’t like Clue, you fucking idiots! Battleship has no characters except red pegs! Who have you cast to play the red pegs? Simon Pegg?? You would do that too, wouldn’t you, you FUCKS!! Are you actually going to foist this on us? Fucking look at me when I am talking to you, you braindead sack of real estate!! Do you really think America is so lobotomized we  will pay ten dollars to see if you stick to the game’s fucking canon and sink the destroyer with two shots?? Do you think that is what America has come to??  Do you think we are going to sit on the edge of our seats while Liam Neeson pilots his damaged ship into position so he can say “E5!” and destroy the remaining alien space ship with a lucky shot?! ALIENS??!!?? I’m coming to your house tonight, Hollywood. You did not know there was a line, but there was and you crossed it. I am bringing my nail clippers and Drano, Hollywood. We are going to have a party, just the two of us. The three of us, actually. You, me and hellish pain.The things I will do to you will make for a perfect sequel to Se7en… except there will be no Hollywood to produce it. That is a pity. I want you to imagine what is going to happen to you tonight, Hollywood. Now stop imagining. Look out the window. I am at your door , Hollywood. No no. Shhh. No more hoorays…. for Hollywood.

^ 24 Comments...

  1. Twib

    The concept of vote with your wallet seems lost on some people o_o

  2. mrgrooism

    Yeah, but just THINK of all of the utterly fucking useless hollywood actors they can cast as the white pegs!!!

  3. Fluffy Bunny Slippers

    If hollywood can’t produce the sequel to se7en can bollywood do it for us instead?

    On second thought, maybe you shouldn’t come to hollywood JY, simply because they want you to… this is their way of tempting you to come so that you can be sucked into the horrible vortex of thoughtlessness. You may come but you will be changed forever into a hackneyed writer ripping off other peoples work and shoving them into places that they have absolutely no right to be.

    On third thought, Battleship is a game made for the (dumb) action genre… who needs plot when you can blow stuff up with cgi to draw the crowds making a gross profit of a billion dollars?

  4. NaOH

    I came across this on IMDb at the weekend.

    I could barely believe that it was serious. Even after watching the trailer.

    Reading the comments was fun, though. I don’t think there was a single positive response.

    It’s a film that deserves to be the single most expensive turkey in history.
    Sadly, I doubt it will have been expensive enough to make.

  5. Jello

    This movie’s name sake, and its poster in particular, are an apt metaphor for modern hollywood. A once might and intimidating institution now beyond obsolete and taking on water fast.

  6. Malachi

    C’mon JaSon, tell us what you really think. Look at the bright side, SyFy’s version of Battleboats may make it look…, well you can always alter the brain chemistry and watch Dr. Horrible’s Sing Along Blog again.

  7. Anna

    Did you hear about a movie based on Rock’Em Sock’Em Robots?
    Real Steel:
    http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0433035/

  8. JY

    @Twib

    From now on I am voting with napalm.

  9. Richard

    Come on, you haven’t even seen it yet! After all it’s directed by Peter Berg, who also brought us “Hancock,” a movie not virulently hated by at least one or two people, though I admit I’m not one of them.

  10. JY

    Richard, there are no shades of grey here. Don’t post here again until you have purchased me nine tons of fertilizer.

  11. Justin

    Welcome to the rabbit hole, dude. http://io9.com/5402621/ridley-scotts-monopoly-movie-is-about-parallel-universes

  12. Beepo the Clown

    Ever since the Battleship movie news hit, I’ve read so much criticism about it. Yes, I too wish that Hollywood would be cleansed by fire. I just wonder why the entire internet hasn’t brought up Clue, the the original boardgame movie.

  13. Bartleby

    This movie will be shittier than the shittiest thing to ever shit on the entire planet earth. That’s right, I’m talking about the Ang Lee version of ‘The Hulk.’

    Not a happy camper.

    -Bart

  14. Jorpho

    I approve of this eloquent expression of rage.

    I like how bad movies sometimes inspire the most artful metaphors. However, I don’t think it’s possible to craft a metaphor artful enough to redeem this thing and its… ploted foontry (says Captcha).

  15. Whovian

    Where are the pitchforks and torches? I want to join this angry mob.

  16. sentroller

    two words: Utterly Pathetic.

  17. JY

    According to the trailer, the movie is faithful to the game in that the alien ships fire pegs (Jesus wept) at the Navy vessels. I therefor assume that the boats are attached to the sea floor by plastic posts.

  18. Bartleby

    They fire PEGS?! That it is aliens is bad enough, but they fire fucking PEGS?!

  19. NaOH

    Pegs?

    That just makes me think of this –> http://kamitora.futanari.org/dash/friend/Kamitora-PegRace-animated.gif

    (That link is NSFW in every way possible. In fact, it is not safe for anything, ever.)

  20. punx

    Lye-boy, that link is just short of goatse.cx LOL

  21. NaOH

    punx: I did provide fair warning. ;-)

    ReCaptcha is finding stuff inside a German magazine: instern found

  22. KarlMonster

    Here’s a link to a thoughtful 5 minute video which does a lot to explain Hollywood excrement like this. [BTW, this guy is awesome!] Take it away Bob:

    http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/the-big-picture/3281-The-Numbers

  23. Deep Fried-The home of Weapon Brown, Clarissa and Beepo » Archive » TMI

    [...] decided to take my outrage at the Battleship movie more publicker and launched a thread on the Something Awful forums, asking people to suppose what [...]

  24. Edward J. Cunningham

    I’d love to see a comic showing Jason vs. Hollywood, but it turns out his revenge is unnecessary—“Battleship” BOMBED its opening weekend!

) Your Reply...