So Obama’s official presidential photographic portrait has been taken and will soon find itself being saluted in flag officer breakrooms around the country.

This is the first ever presidential portrait taken using a digital camera, and America’s megapixel surplus means that we already know more about this president than we ever learned about Bush…or would wish to. This for example:

Look Barack, we can’t let our enemies know that the America is so broke that her president can’t afford a blackhead gun.

And this!! I’m all for honest government, but hit this portrait with a fucking clone tool, wouldja?

How am I supposed to believe this man can command our soldiers when his eyebrows are in open revolt? Expect Marine Corps rifle drills to start resembling the Benny Hill Show as this grooming snafu works its way down the command chain.

This loose stitch will comprise a whole chapter in Anne Coulter’s next book.

Obama may be the Mozart of netroots, but our president has yet to learn the realities of HD technology: a single crumb on his lip and he may as well have just come from a pie-eating contest and used a half-rack of pork ribs as a napkin!

It’s official: the flag fucking continues for another four years. Now I’m really looking forward to the Afghan Surge.

Alright, so at close range Obama looks like he just bobbed for apples in the Ark of the Covenant. He could swallow a bucket of live kittens and be sworn into office on the Necronomicon and I’d still think we were looking at sunnier days ahead after the last eight years.